The Battle Within
by inufan1369
Summary: Three years in Tokyo and Shuichi's life still hasn't gotten any easier. He met a beautiful, golden eyed man who promises he can save Shuichi from his darkness. Can he help Shuichi out? Can he comfort Shuichi when tragedy strikes? Lots of OOC. Please R&R!
1. Chapter 1

**(A/N): This is another spur of the moment thing. It was one of emo moments, so please excuse the tearfullness. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Gravitation. So don't sue, because the characters are extremely different than in the manga/anime. Really different.**

**Warnings: Yaoi. Boy on Boy, you get the point. Lot's of vivid violence. Language. Rape. **

Chapter One:

His cold hands grabbed my arms and pushed me violently against the wall. I felt pain shoot through my body. I didn't resist, I couldn't. He was too strong for me, so much bigger than me; he overpowered me easily. He pressed his body firmly against mine and let his hands wander freely where he could touch.

I thought he was a good guy; I thought that he would treat me right and finally bring something good into my life. He was there, he acted like he was concerned. I don't know what happened, I don't know where I went wrong, or how I ended up like this. At one minute everything was fine, he and I were laughing like we always would, just having a good time. Then something sparked, and I don't know how or why. He just charged at me.

"I've been waiting a long time for this moment, Shu-chan." he whispered in my ear.

I felt the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end. He pushed himself off of me, his hands still gripping my arms tightly, numbing them, and he dragged me with him, pushing me onto the floor. He seemed to tower over me as he lowered himself to his knees putting both my legs on either side of his hips.

"If you promise not to fight back I'll go easy on you." he said with a smile that, to me, seemed so menacing, so hungry.

"Please...stop..." I whispered, barely finding my voice to speak.

He pinned me down by my arms and leaned in towards me, his face too deathly close to my own. His breath smelled of liquor, but he wasn't drunk. That smile never left his lips as he pressed his lips roughly against my own, forcing his tongue into my mouth, digging it deep, choking me. He released one of my arms, roughly undoing my pants and ripping them, and every other article of clothing I had on, off. He took his pants and pulled them to his knees.

"Now, don't worry, pumpkin, this won't hurt a bit."

He lied. He spread me as far as I would go, so far it hurt the joints in my hips, and thrust himself in me, all the way. He pumped himself roughly in and out of me, never slowing down. Each thrust he took seemed to be more and more painful, my cries becoming pleas, screaming for him to stop, screaming for someone to save me. But, no one could hear me. No one was going to come and take me away from this misery.

He finally stopped when he reached his climax. I could feel his seed spill inside of me.

"Feels nice, doesn't it, cupcake? Hmm, cupcake is a good name for you. I like cupcakes. I bet you taste like one, too, don't you?"

He felt myself gag as he pulled himself out of me, scooted me up, and leaned over, his mouth completely enveloped around my...you know...sucking on it, biting it, violating every inch of it. I felt dirty and sickened, I just wanted out.

"Stop..." my voice barely audible. He didn't hear me, of course.

He lifted his body to look me in the eyes.

"Mmm, cupcake, you do taste good."

The look in his eye brought a bad taste to my mouth.

"Bastard.." I said, somehow finding a small amount of voice, just loud enough for him to hear me.

"What was that?" he said, his eyes narrowing in anger.

"Bastard!" I screamed this time, my own anger coming out. I wanted him to leave me alone, I wanted his perverted hands to stop touching me, I wanted at this moment is to let myself drown in my shame, just as I always have all my life.

His fist collided with my mouth and I tasted blood. He kept punching wherever he hands could hit, anywhere and everywhere on my body. When he finally tired himself out, he stood up, towering over me like the monster he was, pulling his pants up, looking down at me with disgust.

"I'm sorry, cupcake, you didn't bring me what I wanted. So, it hurts me to say this, but...it's over." he said, no sense of remorse whatsoever.

He left, leaving me on the floor, beaten, bruised, and broken. I curled myself into a ball and sobbed, hoping...praying for my death. I cried myself to sleep.

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When I woke up I wasn't on that cold, hard floor, but instead in a bed. My bed. In my room, where the events of the night before happened. I felt something cold on my forehead. My body was too sore to function properly so my eyes wandered around looking for the person that put me back on this bed.

"Oh, you're awake."

My eyes shot towards the doorway where the voice came from. It was Hiro. I never appreciated him more than I did at that moment. The concern on his face burned through my chest. He looked tired.

"I was up all night hoping you would come to." he said coming towards me and sitting on the bed beside me.

I looked away, suddenly feeling guilty. I messed up again. I messed up by trusting the bastard who raped me, I messed up for being so weak, I messed up for living.

"What happened last night, Shu?"

Tears threatened to fall, and I, being to weak to fight them off, let them fall freely.

"Nothing..." I whispered.

"Don't tell me that lie." he answered, his eyes angry, but his voice remaining calm and worried. "Who did this to you? What happened? I'm your best friend, Shuichi, I want to help you!"

Guilt dug into my chest like a tick, sucking everything out of me. I didn't want help, I just wanted to die. I just wanted to lay in this bed and be left there to rot, and be left forgotten forever. It's not like anyone would really miss me anyway. Well, Hiro would, but he's just one person, and there is just so much influence one person can have on another. But he's my best friend, I guess he had that influence over me. I didn't want to leave him in the shadows. He was, after all, my best friend and he did, after all, want to help.

"He..he raped me." I whispered, chocking back a sob, forcing my aching body to sit up, pain shooting through every inch of me. "He raped me and beat me..."

"Who?" Hiro was angry.

I looked at him with sad eyes. "Ryo."

"Ryo? Your boyfriend?!"

"Ex-boyfriend. After he...after he..." I sobbed. "He left! He dumped me and left me lying on the floor with no sense of regret at all!"

"Shu.."

Hiro understood why Ryo had so much effect on me, he understood why it hurt so much to have him play me like he did. That's all my life was made up of: people playing me. My parents abandoned me when I was six. Those six years I was with them, though, they didn't leave empty handed. I was a mini-slave, and victim of physical and mental abuse. They would literally whip my back and taunt me whenever I did something that they thought was wrong. I guess, they got tired of me when I was six so they drove to the outskirts of Kyoto, where we lived, and pushed me out of the car and left me. It was raining that day. I'll never forget how I felt that day when I saw Hiro and his parents who, fortuitously, were walking by. Hiro and I have always been best friends for as long as I can remember, so we had this thing where we could recognize each other from far distances. He must have recognized me because I heard him calling to me. He and his parents asked me why I was standing out in the rain all alone. I told them that my parents abandoned me and from then on I have been living with Hiro.

Now I, eighteen years old, was lying there, Hiro wiping my forehead with a cold rag, saying nothing.

"I'm sorry, Shu." he said lightly.

He knew my pain, he shared my pain. His life hasn't always been all that and a box of pocky, either. Both his parents died in a bad car accident when we were twelve so we moved in with his grandmother, who was a bad alcoholic. She admired me, but threated Hiro horribly. I, not standing for anyone to treat Hiro like that, stood up to her one day. She was arrested later that day for attacking two minors. Just imagine..a sixty year old woman attacking two twelve year olds with her liquor bottles. Nice, right? Hiro and I then had to move in with his aunt and uncle. They were really good to both of us, sympathizing us for all that we had been through. We moved out when we graduated and got an apartment. We both got jobs so we could support ourselves and everything was going just fine. Or, at least it was until my parents decided they wanted to show up after eleven years of feigning my existance.

They arrive at our apartment door all smiles, acting like nothing was wrong. We made the fatal mistake of letting them in because shortly after they each pulled a gun and threatened Hiro and I. What they wanted I wasn't sure. All I really remember is them pulling out the guns and everything went black from there. I woke up a hospital bed with an intense pain in my shoulder and news that Hiro might not live. At that moment, I never felt so alone. Hiro was all I had. He was the only real friend I have ever had. Without him part of me was gone. I remember lying awake that whole night ignoring the policemen talking to me..well, until they told me what happened to Hiro. They told me I got shot in the shoulder and they (my parents) were about to shoot me again until Hiro jumped in the way. The bullet hit him square in the chest. I remember crying like I have never cried before. I remember falling asleep and when I woke up the nurses told me that Hiro was going to be fine. I remember crying with joy. I remember being allowed to go into Hiro's hospital room. I remember choking when I saw Hiro lying in that bed. I remember how pale he was. I remember never missing him more even though he was going to live. I remember when he woke up he asked me if I was okay. I remember yelling at him, asking him why he would protect me like he did. I remember him smiling at me and saying, "Idiot, you're all I got. There is no was in hell I would let you die." I remember crying again. I remember him crying. I remember us being admitted out of the hospital, I remember us going back to the apartment to see it just the same, minus our blood on the floor. I remember Hiro and I made a promise that day. I remember we promised that no matter what, we would be there to protect one another.

We are only human, so it's natural that the promise we made was broken, and numerous times. Hiro got gang beat one time and I wasn't there to help. I almost got attacked by a rabid squirell (that thing was ferocious) and Hiro wasn't there to help. The list could probably go on and on. Together we changed that promise. We made a new one. We promised that we would be there to protect each other when we could, and that we would always be there for each other. And, that promise has been kept.

"Hiro, I want to get out of here...I want to leave the mess behind. Let's go to Tokyo. We can find better jobs there, and possbily better lives."

Hiro just stared at me. I could tell in his face he was contemplating whether it was a good idea or not. To me, it did. Anything was better than what we were in now. There was nothing here in Kyoto but bad memories. It was time that we left them behind and start new.

"Hiro, we are too young to hold such burdens. Please...let's just go to Tokyo. There is nothing here for us."

Hiro looked at the floor. "I don't know, Shu...this is home, you know."

"What's so homely about it? Nothing! There is nothing here but wasted years."

Hiro knew I was right because he sighed in defeat.

"Just think about it. If we get out of here we can leave everything we have wanted to forget behind. We won't have to be forced to relive every memory because we won't have to face what reminds us of them everyday."

He looked up at me with a small smile on his face. "Will it really?"

He desperatly wanted me to be right, I knew that.

"Yeah, it will."

He smiled at me. "Let's get out of here."

I smiled back at him.

"Get dressed and packed, then. We'll catch the next train to Tokyo."

I nodded, watching him walk out of the room to allow me to get dressed. I hadn't noticed that I was still nude, though there was a blanket over me. He must have covered me up sometime during the night. Ignoring every pain in my body I got up and walked to my closet and looked around. I didn't have the most fantastic wardrobe, but what I did have was good enough for me. My sore body couldn't take my normal wear, so I decided to wear something comfortable. I grabbed a pair of my dark, but faded, baggy, skater jeans, and an oversized black, Children of Bodom shirt. I changed, grabbed a pair of socks, threw them on and slipped on my black and white, checkered Vans.

It took me a good twenty minutes to pack all of my stuff together. I took all of my clothes, cds, toiletry (because I am very picky about my hair), magazines, books, manga, and my bed clothes (I loved my sheets and comforter, they had heartagrams all over them). Hiro was done about the same time, having changed out of his other clothes and gotten into some black and red bondage pants and red muscle shirt. He wasn't in his normal wear either. Both of us just wanted to take it comfortable.

"Ready?"

"Sure am." I said, truely happy, and not regretting, not looking back at what we left behind.

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Three Years Later:

Hiro and I never looked back after we left that day. Everything was different in Tokyo. More opportunities. We first found ourselves a small, two bedroom apartment with one bathroom, living room, and kitchen; it was perfect for us. We both got a job, Hiro at a guitar shop two blocks away from the apartment, me at the local Hot Topic downtown (if there really is a Hot Topic there, I would never know. So just play along, kay:P). Things were going well for the most part. Or, so it seemed. Hiro got better quickly, though there were still moments when life would get him down. But, for the most part he was happier. As for me, I hadn't gotten better at all.

When I wasn't working I stayed in my room curled under my blankets in deep depression. It was never this bad before. After Ryo raped me things started changing in my mental stability. It became harder and harder for me to control my depression. Hiro suggested that I go talk to someone, but I wasn't ready to go that far. I was still in the stage where I thought I could take care of it on my own. Hiro also suggested that I pick up a hobby, something to keep me busy. Well, I picked up a hobby alright, and not a good one at that matter. Or, it wasn't good in Hiro's eyes, but it was in mine. I started cutting myself. And not those little scrapes that leaves little scabs and heals quickly. Mine are deep and the scars don't fade easily. I know I worried Hiro on a daily basis, especially when I 'accidently' make the cuts a little too deep and they bleed profusely, and I pass out.

I spent most of my time wondering what was the point of living anymore. If it wasn't for Hiro I would have already killed myself. I wanted to, so much, but he kept me from digging the blade all the way in. He would usually take it away before I could go too deep. I would get angry but then later feel guilty at the sad look in his eyes. Either way I went, I never really got any relief. And, work didn't make it much better either. My boss was a jerk, always yelling at my productivity. She says I am too slow with everything that I do. She says I do ring up things quick enough, or I stop to talk to the customers too much. Little does she know is that people actually come into the store more and more because of me. I sing while I am at work. We usually play a lot of music, and I sing along to the songs. I seem to attract a lot of people. I never thought I could sing at all, but people always compliment on my voice. All I do is thank them and throw my fake smile away as soon as their backs are turned. I couldn't help but feel that they only say those things because they pity me. It sickens me. I don't want their pity, I just want to leave the world behind so I don't have to see those sympathetic faces anymore.

So, like I said, things hadn't improved for me at all. At least, not until one certain customer showed up.

He became a regular. Coming into Hot Topic at least once a week. Sometimes he buys things, sometimes he doesn't. When he would buy something we would stop and talk for a few minutes, either he complimenting on my singing voice or me complimenting on how good he looked. I couldn't help it. He looked good. He didn't look Japanese at all. He had blonde hair and eyes the color of brown sugar, almost golden. He was just gorgeous. And, I was gay, after all, and I couldn't help but tell him that he was drool-worthy. It wasn't until exactly three years and two weeks to the day that I had been in Tokyo did I find out that he had been applying for a job. I was excited at first, until I found out he had a really bad attitude...well, at times. Usually we would get along fine, but whenever I did something stupid he really liked to throw it in my face. He especially liked to brag about how great he was at leaving an impression on the lady customers. I would match that, though, at how I would leave an impression on the men, well, the ones that were gay or half-way over the rainbow. He seemed to be amused by it.

He asked me to lunch one day. I accepted his offer, and realized just how good it felt to not be eating alone like I normally do.

"Why do you have pink hair? Do you like showing off that you are gay, or do you just do it for fun?"

"I don't know." I answered, nibbling on my ramen I ordered. "My roommate Hiro says it really brings out my eyes. He says pink and violet really go well together."

He chuckled. He had a nice laugh. It suited his name, too. Yuki Eiri. Nice name...

"So, you just all of a sudden decided to go with pink hair?"

"No, actually I was going to dye my hair red, but I accidently grabbed the wrong color...which was pink, but it didn't actually turn out too bad. So, it just stuck."

"Interesting."

"So, how come you have blonde hair? Is it natural?"

"No, actually, I was born with it."

"You an albino?"

"Albinos have white hair, stupid."

I blushed. I did have my moments, after all.

"Yeah..." I said, not wanting to say anything else to humiliate myself.

"I was born with blonde hair. Why, I don't know, but obviously people like it, and I don't really care what people think about me anyways."

"Why not?" I asked. "If I were you I would have dyed my hair black or something. I would be insecure about it."

"Well, after years of dealing with the tauntings I have grown to not care, and," he looked up at me with those mesmerizing eyes of his, "you are the one who should be embarrassed. A guy with pink hair. Tsk."

I stuck my tongue out at him. He was right, I should have been embarrassed because of my hair, but I wasn't. I never have since I dyed it. It looked to natural on me, Hiro would say.

"How long have you been in Tokyo?" Yuki asked me, spinning his chopsticks in the bowl of steaming noodles.

"Three years and two weeks to the day."

"Ah, so your kind of a newbie here?"

"Well, I have yet to see the half of Tokyo."

"Why not?"

"Ah, well...uh, I just don't get out much." I said to my bowl of noodles.

He eyed me for a moment before setting his chopsticks down beside the bowl.

"Meet up with me here on Saturday."

"What?" I said looked up at him, his golden eyes burning into my violet ones.

"I'm going to take you around the city. Saturday at ten o'clock a.m. You had better be here."

I continued to look at him, confusion swimming in my head. Why would someone like him want to hang out with a mess like me. I wasn't even worth the time of day and here he was _telling _me that I was going to go around the city with him. I couldn't believe my ears. I felt my body tingle with anticipation, yet my chest burn with loathing. If he would find out about what a real mess I was he would most certainly turn away from me in a heartbeat, I knew he would. But, then again, I knew that everyone had their vices and everyone had their own life they have lived and everyone had problems. But, I just couldn't help but feel no one could understand the way I felt. Not even myself. If I didn't understand the matters of my soul, no one would, or even care to.

"Alright?"

"Yeah..sure, ten o'clock." I said half-heartedly.

"You don't sound so sure. Sure you won't stand me up?" he asked with a smirk.

"Look, I'll be there alright?" I answered annoyedly.

He nodded, eyeing my carefully. I wondered if he was trying to search my body for any outward signs of defiance, or if he was trying to see right through me. All this time I have hidden from the outside world what is really wrong with me, and I was sure hoping that one single person couldn't see right through my mask.

"We need to get back to work." he said, standing and taking his now empty bowl to the garbage.

I took my own half-eaten one and followed behind him, throwing it away and going back to work.

I came home that night feeling more drained that I have in a long time. There was something about Yuki that drained every ounce of strength in me and made me feel weak in the knees. He scared me a little bit, and I don't know why. He didn't do anything wrong, he just told me meet up with him Saturday.

"Hey." I heard Hiro called, coming into the living room. "I'm home."

"In my room!" I called back to him and reburied my face in my pillow.

He came in and I felt him sit at the foot of the bed. I could feel his eyes burning at the back of my head. It only made me feel worse because I knew exactly what he was about to say next. We had the same conversation almost everyday, and it was starting to get old.

"When are you going to stop all of this?" he asked, that familiar rant coming. "You are doing nothing but hurting yourself..."

I knew what he was saying by heart. Most of the time I would pantomime along with him when he wasn't looking. II hated having the same conversation over and over again and having to give the same answer. If he didn't get it through his head at that point, then he never would, because I always tell him the same thing.

"Whenever I can go back in time and take out everything that caused me to turn out like this, the maybe I will stop."

He shook his head and left the room, telling me he would have dinner ready in half an hour. My stomach growled, seeing as I hardly ate at lunch. Yuki's eyes were still burning into my mind. I tried to shake it off but I couldn't get rid of the pleasurable chills that shook my body everytime his face came to my thoughts. I didn't know what was wrong with me. The bad thing was, I liked it, a lot.

**(A/N): Okay, this is a bit long..well, as a matter of fact, all of the chapters are going to be kind of long, so I hope that doesn't bother anyone. I really hope you all have enjoyed it so far. Please review! I need to know how this is! Thanks!**


	2. Chapter 2

**(A/N): This is another spur of the moment thing. It was one of emo moments, so please excuse the tearfullness. **

**Warnings: Boy on Boy, language...yeah, it's Gravi, what do you expect. :D**

**Chapter 2:**

The day I had to meet up with Yuki, Saturday, I found that I could hardly move a muscle in my body. I couldn't open my eyes, I couldn't even breathe properly. It was 8:45 a.m. and I was curled in the fetal postion on my bed, the covers halfhazardly covering me, and I was shivering. Images of three years ago kept coming to mind. I could still feel Ryo's body against mine, how he forced himself in me, how he beat me until I couldn't move. I could still feel every ache I could feel then right at that moment. It hurt to wiggle my pinkie toe. I lie there confused and crying, silently calling out for Hiro to save me. Usually Hiro comes to my rescue, why would now be any different?

As if he heard my silent prayers, Hiro walked into my room and sat at the end of my bed. He looked at me with deep concern, hating the way even thinking about Ryo made me freeze inside and out. It was so bad I could hardly speak. Maybe I was just crazy. Either way, nothing good came out of anything that I have felt. I always ended up with a blade to my wrist.

"Hey, man, you need to be getting up."

He knew I wouldn't, couldn't answer him. Sometimes, Hiro seemed so perfect, how he healed so quickly, despite his moments when the visions of his past crept back up on him, but usually he would push them aside and they wouldn't return, at least not easily. I didn't understand how his mind worked or how he had that kind of power, but whatever it was I knew I wanted it. I was so weak that I couldn't even help myself. I felt him pick me up out of the bed, carry me to the bathroom and set me in the tub. He began to run cold water until my body was enveloped in it. My muscles relaxed and I began to shiver. I glared up at him.

He just stared back, used to the maddened look on my face. There were even times when I tried to attack him. I hated myself for it, always coming back to my senses and see him underneath my bleeding somewhere, and end up spended a week in bed, not coming out for anything, not even food or a bath. He continued to stare down at me, not judgmental, but worried. He worried constantly for me, and I know that it tired him out. I wanted him to stop trying to be a parent over me, but if he hadn't paid such close attention then I would probably be in a grave right now. Not that it mattered to me, but I know it did to him.

"I'll make some breakfast." he said before turning to leave the bathroom, but me calling out to him stopped him.

"Hiro..."

He turned back to me with and emotionless face. He knew the last thing I needed was sympathy. That's encouraging to be sympathetic towards someone like me. It only makes them crave the attention. I guess, Hiro had to learn that the hard way, because I was like that once. He broke me from that, though, by leaving me alone for a week. When he came back I was passed out on the couch from alcohol and blood loss..I had heard that alcohol was a blood thinner, which makes you bleed a lot more...All he did was clean me up and put me to bed, and cried, asking me why I put myself through that hell. I had no answer, though. There is no answer in that kind of situation. And, I held every sense of regret for that.

"Hiro, does God hate me?"

He was silent for a moment before a sweet smile spread across his handsome face. "No, man, He doesn't."

"Then it's wrong to hate myself?"

His smile faded. His eyebrows furrowed, not wanting to give me the right answer, but definatly not wanting to give me the wrong answer.

"Yeah, it is wrong."

I lowered my head in defeat. Hiro knew all the right things to say to make me regret everything even more. I felt guilty towards God for letting Him down, I felt guilty towards my parents for them gaving to concieve this piece shit I was, I felt guilty for Hiro having to put up with me all the time... Then, a golden eyed angel appeared in my mind...

"That Yuki guy...He's different..." I whispered, talking more to myself, but I knew Hiro was listening. "He has such unwavering confidence in himself, yet I sense such a mystery in him. Like he's hiding something..."

"Everyone has their own crosses to bear, Shu." Hiro said, sitting on the side of tub, listening to me.

I nod and continue, "Everytime I look at him he seems to have something different on his mind. I mean, at one moment he would have a dark glaze in his gaze, and at another moment those eyes would be shining like the north star. But, his attitude...he's so cold sometimes. Like, sometimes I get the feeling that he hates me, then at other times, I get the feeling that he's doing that for a reason. I don't know...but, there is something addicting about him..."

"You like him, don't you?" Hiro asked with a smirk.

I looked up at him in suprise. "No way! What makes you say that!"

"Because you are blushing."

I sunk myself lower in the tub letting the cold water soothe my warm cheeks. I glared at Hiro again, who was laughing.

"Can't hide from me, Shindou Shuichi. This Yuki cat has got you hooked."

I lifted my head out of the water.

"Believe what you want you bastard." I said, a pout on my lips.

Hiro arched his eye brow and looked at his watch.

"You have fourty five minutes, you have better be getting ready."

I nodded at let myself out of the tub, grabbing a towel from the cuboard underneath the sink. I dried of and dragged my feet to my room where I stood in front of my closet wondering what to wear. Sometimes, I felt like a girl, because I was so hard to satsify when it came to my clothes. I had to color coordinate and everything. Hiro called me a clothes pussy. I would call him a mama's boy, then we would not speak to each other for an hour. He hated it when I called him mama's boy, because he used to be really close to his mother. I would then feel really guilty for saying it and go apologize to him. He would then cry, and I would cry and cut myself, and everything would be all better.

I didn't really feel like doing anything drastic today so I grabbed a pair of skater pants and a 30 Seconds to Mars shirt. I slipped on my Vans Classics, grabbed my stud belt, wrist band, and Disturbed beanie, putting them on as I came into the kitchen. Hiro was standing at the microwave, warming up some microwavable sausage links. He must have been tired because usually he would cook. I didn't have much of an appetite, I never did, but Hiro would always complain at how anorexic I was and forced to eat. I wasn't anorexic at all, in fact, I had a killer figure. Not muscular or anything, but I had a body that resembled a womans. I was really curvy in all the right places. I think that I what attracts the guys to me so much, gay, bi, or straight. It was amusing at times, others it was hilarious. I would find it hilarious that anyone would be attracted to me...at least, after what Ryo did, I never wanted anyone to be attracted to me. I was afraid of the unknown, of what might happen if I allowed myself to be 'loved' by anyone ever again. The thought scared me.

Hiro looked at me as I sat at the table. He went to the fridge and pulled out some orange juice and poured some for both of us in the cups that were already sitting out on the table. He was such an OCD freak, sometimes.

"Sorry that breakfast isn't the normal." he said going back to the microwave.

"It's okay." I answered, and really it was. I could function on little, so what did it matter to me.

The microwave beeped, telling us that it was done cooking the sausages. Hiro took them and placed them on a clean plate, setting them in the middle of the table. He made toast and then sat across from me. I nibbled on my toast, letting my mind wander to Yuki again, and how my day was going to be. I was scared at the thought of spending a whole day with him. I anticipated me at the same time, though. I was curios at how much Yuki would know about Tokyo, and how little I knew. Hiro knew the place better than I did because rarely I would leave the apartment unless I was going to work, and I don't do much sight seeing. So, I was hoping that the day would turn out at least half decent.

Hiro looked at his watch.

"It's 9:30. I would be heading on the way there if I were you."

I nodded, swallowing the last bit of my half eaten toast and taking my plate to the sink. Hiro frowned at how slow I was moving, but I couldn't help it. Depression was still weighing me down and I wanted nothing more than to just lie in bed forever. I made my way to the door, making sure my wallet was in my back pocket and my keys were in my front pocket. Hiro called a goodbye out to me. I waved my hand, not looking back at him, and walked out the door, trudging my way to the restaurant Yuki and I ate lunch at earlier during the week.

The closer I got the more I wanted to lie down. I felt so drained. Thinking did that me, it really tired me out. Hiro says I have too much burden for someone my age. I am not sure whether to believe him or not. Then again, he might be right. I used to be really cheerful. I was always perky and had a smile on my face, no matter what the situation was. I even smile at my grandmother's funeral, and all the guests thought I was crazy. I didn't smile through the whole thing, Hiro had made me laugh and I couldn't stop laughing for fifteen minutes. I ended up getting smacked on the head by my mother and later had to deal with the consequences of both her and my father when we had gotten home. So, maybe Hiro was right, maybe I did have too much burden on my chest, but right then, that wasn't what I was focused on. What I was focused on was the growing remorse in my chest for ever agreeing to meet up with Yuki in the first place. He made me feel uneasy. Not in a bad way, he just made me feel the Ryo used to make me feel. I scared me because I thought I wasn't able to feel things like that anymore. Those feelings were forbidden on my part and I never wanted to taste their sweet bitterness ever again.

When I had arrived at the restaurant Yuki was already there. He was seating at a table that seats two, reading a book. I approached him cautiously, not wanting to bother him in his reading. I had even thought about turning around before he noticed me but obviously his senses were to quick for me. He looked up from his book and looked at his watch.

"9:59. I have to say, you are never right on time for work, so I didn't expect you to show up fashionably one minute early." he smirked, putting the book down.

"I showed up, didn't I?" I mumbled back, trying my best not to strike up a conversation.

I felt sick to my stomach and felt it was better if I just kept my mouth shut to avoid retching on anything.

"That you did. Well," he said standing up and slipped his book into the briefcase that was strapped around his shoulder, "there is so much Tokyo, and so little time. Might as well get going."

I looked at my feet as I followed him. I expected us to walk around the whole city, but he led me to a car. It must have been his car, because he sure acted like it was his. He went to the driver's side and looked at me aweing over the black beauty his car was.

"Getting in or not?" he asked me annoyedly.

I shook myself out of my daydream and walked slowly to the passenger side, slipping inside cautiously. I could stifle the butterflies that crept creeping into my throat. I began to think back on what Hiro had told me earlier..that Yuki had me hooked. I shook my head, refusing to give in to the theory. Hiro had to be wrong for once. He was only human after all.

Yuki drove like a maniac. Funny thing was, I liked the adrenaline rush. He would slip past cars and slip right back in front of them in the blink of an eye. It was great fun. It kept me on edge. I hadn't felt so alive in years. Here, me, 21 years old and in the car with a maniac. Seemed to fit me perfectly. At least, it kept my mind off of things. It really did.

He showed me the many buildings. I hadn't realized just how cool Tokyo was. It had so many shops and people that I didn't even know existed. It had always been me and Hiro, I never even thought about other people existing. So, it took me by suprise to see some many people zooming around town buying nick nacks and what-nots.

"You really don't get out much do you?" Yuki asked me, amused at my aweing of the city.

"Nope." I answered, my eyes darting in every direction, trying take in and familiarize every sight I could.

"Then what do you do all day? Sit around and do nothing? Hide in your room?"

I felt his words sting in my throat. Did he really see right through me that quickly?

"I..."

"Hey, it's alright if you don't want to talk about it. I was just curious."

I looked at my knees. I seemed so easy to talk to, but why was it so hard to talk to him back? Why were the smallest things, the easiest things in life, so hard to do?

"No, it's not that...it's just...I don't really like people to know about my home life. It isn't exactly the best."

"Tell me about it." he replied, throwing in his arms into the air and quickly grabbing the wheel again.

"Huh?"

"I was just agreeing with you, dude, take it easy."

He looked at me with a sincere smile.

"You can trust me, I promise." he said.

He wasn't that much like Ryo. Ryo never smile so sincerely at me like that. Looking back, Ryo always looked at me with lust and longing, not for just me. Yuki, though, he looked at me with patience and amusment, like he thought I was the greatest thing in the world. I had never experianced a moment like that in my life. I lowered my head and tried to stifle back my tears, but I was took weak to fight them off. He looked over at me in confusion and concern.

"Hey, man, did I say something to offend you?"

"No.." I replied wiping my eyes. "Not at all."

"That what's the matter?"

I glanced over at him and smiled weakly.

"You're the first one that has ever really been nice to me. Sure the customers at Hot Topic give me a thank you and a smile, but they don't know me, they don't know me outside of that register. That's what you do to a cashier. You smile and tell them thank you. You are the only one that has ever actually treated me like a human."

Yuki was silent for a few minutes. I didn't like the silence. I was beginning to believe I was scaring him. But, he finally spoke.

"What about that Hiro boy you live with."

"Well, of course he is nice to me. I mean, we have lived together since we were six. He's all I have really. But, you are the only other one that...sees everything besides this messed up exterior of mine."

Yuki slowed the car to a stop in a parking space beside what looked like a park. He looked over at me with a genuine look on his face. He flashed a million dollar smile at me.

"You seem like a nice enough guy, Shuichi. Sure, you are a little rough around the edges and...eh, a little scarred up." I saw him look down at the scars on my wrists, and I quickly crossed my arms in embarrassment. "But, other than that, you are a person inside. You may be fragile, but that ain't anything that can't be fixed with time."

"What if time hasn't taken it's toll like it should?" I asked.

Our eyes met and he said something that I knew would stick to my mind forever.

"You have to find the right person to fix it."

I looked at my knees again. I tried to ignore that growing amount of butterflies, but nothing would shake them off. I wanted to slit my stomach open and release them, release the tension inside of me. Nothing I could do made it go away. Yuki must have noticed because he scooted over closer to me and asked if I wanted to go see his place.

I looked at him cautiously. He laughed.

"It's not an invitation to bed, so chill." he told me starting his car again. "I just figured it would be cool if we had lunch at my place. I think you'll like it."

I nodded and watched the sights blur by. When we arrive I was almost thrown out the windshield at how fast he hit the brake. He let out a mumbled 'sorry' and ran to the front door. He had a bottom floor apartment. We must have been in the outskirts, the more expensive part of Tokyo. He opened the door and let me in, and I marvelled at how awesome his apartment was. I had never seen so much band merchandise in my life. It made me shiver and want to touch it. He had walls covered in posters ranging from Green Day to Killswitch Engage, he had the biggest CD collection I had ever seen, he had The Nightmare Before Christmas figurines everywhere. I got dizzy at the sight.

"See, I told you that you would like it."

"Dude, it's awesome." I replied.

He laughed and went into the kitchen. I stayed in the living room and marvelled at all of his stuff. He came back a few minutes later with some sandwiches, riceballs, and tea. He laid them on the coffee table that was scattered with Rolling Stone magazines. We ate in a comfortable silence, me still marvelling at his sanctuary of a living room. He was amused at my amusement. Heh, what a funny concept.

All of my worries were forgotten.

We talked for quite awhile about nothing, really. We talked about music, we talked about work, then we got on the subject of my singing.

"You do have a good voice, you know." he said.

I shook my head.

"No, I don't think so. Every keeps saying so, but I refuse to believe them."

"Why?"

I shrugged.

"I guess I don't have the confidence in myself."

"Well, you had better get some then, because that voice of yours can take you far."

"Take me far?"

"I have a brother-in-law who is in the music business. He might be able to help you out sometime."

"Who is this brother in law of yours?"

"Seguchi Tohma." he answered nonchalantly, almost boredly.

"Seguchi Tohma! The director of NG?!"

"Yeah."

"Dude, that is so awesome!"

Yuki yawned.

"Not really. He's an annoying mutant."

I had to laugh at what he said. It was funny coming out of his mouth, talking about Seguchi. I thought someone with Seguchi's power couldn't be talked about. But, obviously he can, because Yuki did it with ease. We ended talking for another three hours before Yuki looked at his watch to see what time it was.

"It's almost 10:30. I think I should be getting you back to your place. I'll drive you there. It ain't safe to wander the streets of Tokyo at this time of night."

I didn't protest. I wanted to spend whatever time I had left with Yuki as I could. I liked being around him. The air was just so easy with him. We rode back in silence. When he pulled up to my apartment complex after me directing him he smiled and said he would see me at work. I asked if he would hang out again sometime. He smiled and said I could stop by at any time. I smiled back and watched him drive away. My disappointments didn't creep back until I saw Hiro passed out on the couch. I wanted to tell him about my day. Oh well, there was always the next day, and I didn't want to feel any of that depression for a long, long time. Nothing, and I mean nothing, could darken my mood right at the moment. I laid down in bed and quickly fell asleep, Yuki haunting my dreams with his gorgeous face.

My spirit only liftened to find that I had a good nights sleep for once, that I was awake before Hiro for once, and I was ready for anything for once. I decided to go down to the supermarket to pick up some groceries for Hiro. We were running low on food anyway. And, how fortuitous that Yuki was there digging through the cereal isle. I snuck up on him and scared the life out of him. We laughed at how stupid we were acting. He invited me back over later that day. I agreed.

---

When I arrived at his place I felt my stomach quake. He greeted me at the door. Stepping in I felt that familiar warmth he made me feel. I loved the feeling. It was so new and fresh, and I hoped it would never face.

**(A/N): Another chapter down! YAY! Please review!**


	3. Chapter 3

**(A/N): This is another spur of the moment thing. It was one of emo moments, so please excuse the tearfullness. **

**Warnings: The usual...language, yada yada**

_Italicized words are songs _

**Chapter 3:**

I laughed more than I ever have in years. It was a drastic change and I felt out of place, but it felt good, too. I missed that easy and free feeling inside. Hiro never made me laugh and feel light like Yuki had. I had only know the guy for two weeks and I we already acted like best friends. Hiro would have been pleased... Well, he would have if I would have told him. I hadn't talked to him since the day before when I met up with Yuki. It might have been because I got home so late, or because he thought sleep was more important that a depressed person finally smiling again. Either way, I wanted to talk to him, and he was dead to the world, so I had no one to vent my experiances to. So, all the happiness seemed to drain out of me. Or, at least it does until I see Yuki.

He made me feel different, like I actually had a place or reason. His smile seemed burned into my memory. It sent shivers down my spine everytime I thought about his laugh or his eyes. He seemed like utter perfection all wrapped up in one body, ready to hand out as a gift with a big bow on it. How I longed to open it and see what was really inside.

I trudged to work the next Monday. I didn't want to go, because my depression was coming back. It was bleak, the aching feeling inside of me, but it was still there and tearing holes on my insides. It wasn't so bad that I couldn't function, it was just the beginners stage of something bad. If anything went wrong at work I knew I would go spiraling down in a black hole. I prayed that it wouldn't happen. The last thing I wanted to do was show Yuki how weak I was.

"On time for work for once?" my boss said with an evil smirk as I clocked in. "I have to say, I am impressed."

I gave her a fake smile just to assure her that I was alright because she began to eye me carefully, like she was trying to read my face. I took my post behind the counter, ready for any customers who decided to make their way in. The morning was very slow, seeing as people were at work and school. It would pick up a bit near the evening after three o'clock, with mostly teenagers coming in for an after-school break. So, all there was to do was stand until our feet hurt for no apparent reason. Yuki greeted me when he arrived after taking his post on the other side of me.

"Morning, Shuichi. You're bright eyed and bushy tailed." he said with a half smile.

I wanted to smile back, but it hurt my cheeks to even try. His smile faded when he saw that I didn't smile back. Maybe he thought that I was mad at him, but I wasn't. I just didn't feel like being friendly. I felt like lying on the floor and letting someone step on me. Anything would be better than that nagging feeling erupting in my chest, sending me into an anxiety attack. I could feel one coming, so I took a deep breath to calm myself and my nerves. Yuki put his hand on my shoulder. I casted my eyes to him.

"You okay?" he asked me, concern wrapped around every word that came out of his sweet mouth.

I didn't answer him but looked at the floor, my guilt growing as he concern grew.

"Shuichi?"

I hid my face with my bangs, refusing to look up at him, in shame at my weakness.

"Shuichi?"

"Excuse me." I said, leaving the cash register and running down the empty halls of the mall to the bathroom. There I hid myself in a stall, leaning against the locked door, panting, and nearly sobbing.

I hated the depression I kept getting. It would just grow and grow and never stop until I reached my breaking point. I suddenly wished I had brought some kind of blade with me. I knew I would get fired if I was caught with him, and I didn't have my arm warmers on today to hid any fresh cuts anyway. I sighed in disappointment.

"Shuichi?" I heard Yuki's voice as he came into the bathroom.

He must have seen my feet because he came to the stall and I could feel him lean against it.

"Shuichi, are you okay?" he asked me.

He sounded sad, and it stung deep in my chest, like someone was stabbing me. I hated a sad voice in him. He wasn't supposed to sound sad. He was supposed to be happy and carefree, like he was the days we hung out before. I felt a strain in my throat as I tried to say something back but my voice box seemed to be broken.

"Shuichi, please come out of there."

I reached for the lock, stopping short of it, comtemplating whether I should or not. I wanted to, but I didn't want him to see me in a wreck, because I was getting worse by the second. I could feel my joints start to lock. I must have found some kind of movement because I unlocked the door. I felt dizzy and nasuea was starting to build in my throat.

"You're so pale! When was the last time you ate anything?"

I wanted to answer two days. Even though it didn't seem like such a long time to me, I knew it would seem like a lifetime to him. I could function on so little, so I didn't see why it mattered. I didn't matter, so why would anything else I do?

"Shuichi, are you going to answer me?"

I lowered my head, in so much shame for leaving him in such worry and confusion.

"I'm sorry that you have to see me like this." I choked, trying to fight back the sobs.

"Shuichi..."

The dizziness took over and I passed out, falling into Yuki's arms. I could faintly hear him calling my name, but I was enveloped in cold, and I lost my sense of hearing as I swam in the darkness.

--

I woke up with a cold rag on my forehead. I opened my eyes slowly to find myself in my room, no one around me...

And, I screamed.

"Shuichi! Shuichi, it's okay!"

It was Hiro. I grabbed Hiro and sobbed into his chest. He rocked and shushed me, gently stroking my head. I could sense someone else's gaze on me. It was Yuki. He was leaning against the doorway watching me in horrified concern.

"Don't let him get me, Hiro!" I cried, holding tight to him, half-sobbing and half-screaming to get the visions out of my head and the clenching out of my chest.

Hiro stifled my screams in his chest. He looked over at Yuki apologetically.

"I'm sorry you had to see him like this."

Yuki shook his head. "Don't worry..It's okay."

"No, it isn't." Hiro interupted. "Shu is a messed up guy. His past still haunts him every day and he can't seem to let go. I try all I can to help him move on but there is nothing that I can do except be here to comfort him in situations like this."

I had stopped screaming and sobbing and cried gently into Hiro's chest, quietly ranting, "Stop, Ryo..don't...Leave me alone, Ryo..."

"May I ask what has made him like this?"

Hiro looked at Yuki, biting his lips, wondering whether to tell him or not. He looked down at me. I nodded, knowing what he wanted to do. He took a deep breath.

"He has always suffered from depression... His parents would beat him as a child. One day, when he was six, they abandoned him, so he has been with me ever since. All through those years things were bad for both of us, and his life became a battle against depression and being a misfit to the world. I never thought he would get any better, or any worse at that. Then, he met this guy..." Hiro's voice became bitter. "His name is Ryo. The bastard played Shuichi on and ended up raping and beating him and dumping him with no remorse at all. That happened three years ago. After that we moved here to Tokyo and things haven't improved."

I remained sobbing into Hiro's chest, more visions of everything in my past coming back to me like a silent movie, making me heavy heart sink to the bottom on my stomach.

"Has he never gone to someone to talk?"

"He refuses to see anyone."

I felt another body make contact with me. Yuki was rubbing my back.

"For a long time I have been Shuichi's only support." Hiro said, allowing Yuki's comforting hand to caress my back.

"Well, you're not the only one now."

I felt something lodge in my throat, completely altering my ability to breathe.

"I want to help, too."

"You shouldn't bother." Hiro said. "We don't want to be too much of a burden on you."

"You're not a burden at all. I'm doing this as a friend. Because I like Shuichi, and I want to be there for him."

Something inside of me broke. I let my eyelids close and sleep take over me, Yuki's words still ringing in my ears. How could anyone ever like someone like me? Especially after what he had witnessed, how could he ever? Something didn't make sense and it was giving me a headache thinking about it. I let myself swim in the darkness again. Hiro must have laid me down and left me to sleep, because when I woke I was alone.

I could hear voices coming from the living room. They were Hiro's and Yuki's. It must have been late because it was getting dark outside. I got out of bed and sneaked into earshot of what the two were talking about.

"At work, or wherever, don't pity him." Hiro informed. "He doesn't want sympathy. He just needs a friend to look after him."

"I know." was all Yuki said.

I felt my heart pound when I saw his face. He looked so burdened and tired. The angel looked cracked, almost shattered, and all at my dispense. I fell to my knees, my eyes never leaving the decaying sight in front of me. Never, since I met Yuki, did I ever think he could feel such feelings of sadness and remorse, never did I think he was capable of hurting or feeling anyone elses pain, let alone my own. The way he looked at me at work tore my heart in two. He looked at me as if asking for answers that I didn't have. At knowing I couldn't answer them, he just studied me, finding the solutions in my eyes or on my face. I did carry my heart on my sleeve, always. Before, I would always put a bandaid over my bleeding heart, letting it mask the problem temporarily. And, when it would wear off, I would just put on another one. This time, the bleeding wouldn't stop, and seeing that look on Yuki's face tore the wound right in half. I felt like I was falling apart just at looking at his countenance.

I felt pathetic, sitting on the floor and clutching my chest like my lungs were about to fall out of it. I wanted to wrench open my ribcage and take out everything I could until there was nothing left...until there was nothing left to be broken. I would always find something or someone to blame, but Yuki...seeing his eyes and the way he looked at me made me realize that it was all on me. That everything I have ever felt, every pain I have ever endured, was only because I allowed it to. I never felt weaker and in such a small frame of mind. I tried so hard to look at the details that I missed the bigger picture. If I wanted to get better then I had to make myself better.

The only problem was that I didn't have the strength to. It took all of my energy just to wake up in the morning, so I had no energy or power to help myself. The only time I ever felt capable of doing something good for myself was when I was with Yuki. He made me feel so careless. I liked the feeling. He took my mind off of the things that I thought mattered most but weren't really important at all. He made me realize just how selfish I was. Through all the years I haven't once asked Hiro how he felt because I was always so caught up in my own mistakes, and so consumed in my own issues. Yuki gave me all of those feelings by just looking at me like he actually cared.

I was confused at how I felt about him, as well. He was an angel and I was a loser, a harlot to a razorblade, a banged up, good for nothing mistake. I could never reach up to his standards, nor be good enough for him. I thought I was incapable of feeling love again. Whatever feelings were wisking around in my head, they confused me. I was scared to know the depths of my own heart.

I stood and walked up to the two. They stopped talking at looked up at me.

"Hey, Shu." Hiro said, motioning for me to sit in between he and Yuki.

I did so without a word. I immediatly turned to Yuki, searching his golden eyes for any sign of that perfection. I needed to feel the careless, weightless feeling he gave me. And, I found it. It was deep, but I found it. And, before I knew what I was doing, I had my arms around his waist and my head on his shoulder, trying to find warmth that didn't come until I felt his embrace. I relaxed and let myself get high off of his scent.

Hiro looked over at me in confusion, and then to Yuki. Hiro's facial features became less tense we he saw how relaxed I was. I was zoning myself out of the world and losing myself in Yuki's aroma, but I still knew what was being said.

Yuki stroked my head and said to Hiro, "Sure is clingy." I knew he was teasing, trying to lighten the mood.

"Yeah... He likes you." Hiro replied with a half smile.

I grinned and buried my face into Yuki's shirt. Yeah...I did like him.

_Lithiuim-don't want to lock me up inside_

_Lithium-don't want to forget how it feels without _

_Lithium-I wanna stay in love with my sorrow_

_Oh, but God I want to let it go_

_Come to bed, don't let me sleep alone_

_Couldn't hide the emptiness, you let it show_

_Never wanted it to be so cold_

_Just didn't drink enough to say you love me_

_I can't hold on to me _

_Wonder what's wrong with me _

_Lithium-don't want to lock me up inside_

_Lithium-don't want to forget how it feels without _

_Lithium-I wanna stay in love with my sorrow_

_Oh..._

_Don't want to let it lay me down this time_

_Drown my will to fly_

_Here in the darkness I know myself_

_Can't break free until I let it go_

_Let me go_

_Darling, I forgive you after all_

_Anything is better than to be alone_

_And in the end I guess I had to fall_

_Always find my place among the ashes_

_I can't hold on to me_

_Wonder what's wrong with me_

_Lithium-don't want to lock me up inside_

_Lithium-don't want to forget how it feels without _

_Lithium-I wanna stay in love with me sorrow_

_Oh, I'm gonna let it go_

**(A/N): Ah, another chapter down. The song is Lithium by Evanescence. It basically tells how Shuichi felt when he was with Ryo. It seemed appropriate. Anyways, thanks for reading up this far! Please review! **


	4. Chapter 4

**(A/N): This is another spur of the moment thing. It was one of emo moments, so please excuse the tearfullness. **

**Warnings: The usual...language, yada yada**

_Italicized words are songs _

**Chapter 4:**

When I awoke I found blonde hair near my face. Rubbing the sleep out of my eyes I saw Yuki sleeping soundly beside me. I reached out a hand and gently stroked his cheek, pushing a few blonde strands of hair away from his beautiful face.

"You were latched on to him like a leech last night. He didn't want to leave you." I heard Hiro say.

I sat up slowly and saw him leaning against the doorway. He always knew when to be anywhere near me at the right time, because at that moment I felt weak and fell out of the bed. He hurried to me and squatted down beside me, supporting me in his arms. My head was spinning with random thoughts, incoherent words forming on my lips.

Hiro chuckled, seeming to find amusement in my babbling. I didn't find it funny. I was confused and scared. I hadn't had anything sleep in the same bed with me since Ryo...

"C'mon, you two have to get to work."

I looked up at Hiro was glazed eyes. He seemed to read my countenance, because he pulled me to him and embraced me.

"It's okay, Shuichi. You can trust Yuki. He won't hurt you. Not like that bastard Ryo. I promise."

I pushed myself off of Hiro, feeling ridiculous. I knew Yuki wasn't like Ryo, but I found it so hard to trust people. I didn't care who they were, I just couldn't trust anyone right away.

Somewhere outside birds were chirping, their sing-song melodies ringing in my head and my hollow heart. Their chirpy songs didn't match the empty feeling inside, so they echoed inside, reverberating off the walls of all the open space that was left. Hiro woke Yuki and lent him some clothes to wear to work so he wouldn't have to drive all the way back to his place to get them. He looked at me as he got out of bed with the sleepiest, yet sweetest, smile I had ever seen. I felt myself blush. I threw my hands to my face, scared of myself.

"Better hurry and get ready, Shu." Hiro said walking out of my room. "I'll have breakfast done soon."

I heard Yuki shuffle around in the shower. I waited a few minutes sitting on the floor, just listening to the sounds that were coming from the bustling of the golden angel. I wrapped my arms around myself, trying to stop my sudden shivering. Something didn't feel right, like some unwanted emotion was starting to get it's way inside and infect me like a virus, but my body's immune system was refusing it.

I took my shower after Yuki, suddenly becoming jealous of the towel he had around his neck. I was being ridiculous. Why was I feeling such things for an angel. He was too good for me, so why did my heart bleed for him every time we made even the slightest contact, everytime we barely made eye contact. And, why was I jealous of a _towel_?

"Yuki..." I whispered as he walked by.

He turned to face me. I, bringing my eyes from the floor up, eyeing just how good he looked wearing Hiro's black pants and **LYING IS THE MOST FUN A GIRL CAN HAVE WITHOUT TAKING HER CLOTHES OFF, BUT IT'S BETTER IF SHE DOES!!** shirt. (A/N: I kind of took some of that from Panic At The Disco.) I felt my words catch in my throat, so I remained silent, staring at him with a blank expression.

He cocked his head to the side and eyed me with amusement. He reached out and gently pinched my cheek.

"You're cuter when you smile." he smirked, going into the kitchen where smells of bacon and eggs were emitted.

I touched my cheek with caution, feeling the heat radiating off of it, most likely from my blushing.

_Why can you read me like no one else?_

_I hide behind these words, but I'm coming out. _

_I wish I kept them behind my tongue._

_I hide behind these words, but I'm coming out. _

_Put your hand between and aching head and an aching world._

_We'll make them so jealous, we'll make them hate us._

_An aching head and and aching world_

_We'll make them so jealous, we'll make them hate us_

_All the ways you make my stomach turn and all the long drives with my friends blur._

_And I wish I kept them inside my mind_

_I hide behind these words_

_And think of all the places where you've been lost and then find...out._

_In between my sheets, in between the rights and wrongs_

_Put your hand between and aching head and an aching world._

_We'll make them so jealous, we'll make them hate us._

_Aching head and an aching world_

_Think of all the places where you've been lost and found...out_

----

"Come on, fellows, you're holding us up! We opened ten minutes ago!"

"Calm down, Reiji-san, no one is here anyway." Yuki said nonchalantly, taking his position behind on of the cash registers, me taking my place directly behind him.

"That is still no excuse to be late! Mess around again and both of you are fired!"

The boss, Reiji, stormed off angrily into the mall. Yuki sighed and muttered something under his breath. I would have giggled had my eyes not caught an unwelcoming sight...and he happened to be coming towards Hot Topic...staring straight at me.

"Well, Shuichi, what do you think?"

I didn't notice Yuki had been talking to me. My eyes and attention were focused on the form that kept getting closer and closer...

"Well, cupcake, been a long time. I didn't know you worked here. Finally found a life?"

I cringed at his voice: the voice I hoped to never hear again in my life. Yuki turned at eyed him suspiciously. I stared at the counter.

"Shu-chan, are you not going to say anything to me?"

I closed my eyes and tried to block out his voice.

"Go away, Ryo!" I cried out despite of myself.

Yuki's face darkened. He knew of the Ryo I was speaking to. He eyed him carefully, making sure he didn't come too close.

"Go away?" he put fake disappointment in his voice. "Cupcake, I thought you would want to see me again. I thought you loved me?"

"I don't love you, I don't want anything to do with you! I hate your guts!" I whispered ferociously, my gaze still on the floor.

"You hate me? Well, that wasn't what you said three years ago now was it?" he smirked.

I could feel his gaze burn on the top of my head. I started to shiver and get weak in the knees. My body began to freeze as memories of that terrible night three years ago came to mind.

"Do you remember that night, Shu-chan? The day I left you? That was the day you gave yourself to me."

"I gave nothing to you." I replied lightly, closing eyes to keep the tears from coming. My head was spinning.

"You didn't, huh? You seemed to be liking it in my eyes. You just didn't do anything back."

"Because I didn't want to!" I replied, whispering furiously again. "You raped me, you bastard!"

"Ah, that's a harsh word, Shu-chan. I like to prefer taking forcibly."

Yuki stepped in front of me, having heard enough. I didn't have the energy to lift my head to look up at him, but I could sense his anger.

"And, how might you be?" Ryo said boredly.

"That's none of your concern. But, I suggest if you are just going to hang around here and harrass Shuichi-kun, then you need to leave."

Ryo studied Yuki for a few minutes, hand on his chin. His smirk grew.

"You're kinda cute." he said. "Are you Shu-chan's new squeeze toy?"

"Squeeze toy?" I whispered confusedly.

"I prefer boyfriend." Yuki said, hate seeping in hi voice.

I began to melt at the power he seemed to have. I could hear Ryo's voice becoming weaker and weaker each time he spoke. I let my weight fall forward and rest against Yuki's back.

"I think it's time you leave, Ryo, before I call the police."

Ryo growled, turned, and left. He looked over his shoulder and mumbled something neither Yuki nor I could understand and then disappeared somewhere within the mall's confounds. Yuki turned and took me in his arms, allowing me to cry against him. My body went limp and I couldn't move anymore.

"Are you okay, Shuichi?"

I couldn't shake my head or anything. I just stayed in his arms limply. He didn't say anything else, I guess, having figured that I couldn't, wouldn't, and didn't want to say anything. And, just when I thought things couldn't get any worse, Reiji-san stormed into the store, anger flashing in her eyes.

"What are you two doing?!"

"Drop it, Reiji-san, can't you see that he is upset?" Yuki answered angrily.

"I don't care if he is about to lose his balls! I suggest you two break up the mooshy shit and get back to work, or you're fired!"

"Too late, because I quit!" I yelled, anger temporarily blazing inside of my chest before freezing over, the malice now icy disgrace.

Yuki looked at me quickly and spoke up.

"I quit, too!"

"What?!"

"Good bye, Reiji-san, I hope you find better employees." Yuki took my hand and led me out of the store, out of the mall, and I fell out of myself, passing out on the ground, my hand still in his.

-----

"So, now we are unemployeed." Yuki said to me as I began to come to my senses, waking up from my unconciousness.

"What are we going to do?" I groaned. Tears formed in my eyes. "Why did he have to show up. Three years of trying to forget him...he just came back and reopened old wounds..."

"Shuichi..."

"I never forgot how he made me feel. I used to think that I was in love with him and he was in love with me. It's obvious I was playing myself as he was playing me. All that passion he showed for me was all a lie. Even after three years and knowing the truth, I still find it hard to leave the past behind. The memory of that damn day that he raped me still haunts me. I can remember it clearly, and it burns even more each time I remember it."

I sat up and saw that I was at Yuki's house. He had layed me on the cough and he was sitting next to my feet. He was looking at me, listening carefully, all his attention on me. I felt uneasiness in my stomach. I remembered suddenly what he said to Ryo...

**FLASHBACK:**

"Squeeze toy?" I whispered confusedly.

"I prefer boyfriend." Yuki said, hate seeping in hi voice.

**END FLASHBACK:**

"Yuki," I said looking into his golden angel eyes, seeing my broken reflection in them, "why did you say I was your boyfriend to Ryo?"

Yuki looked down at his lap. I could see his cheeks flush pink slightly. My neck grew warm in response.

"Well, I couldn't let him keep messing with you, could I?"

I felt disappointment. It confused and scared me. I drew my knees to my chin and sighed sadly.

"Yeah..."

"Shuichi..."

I looked up and saw that Yuki was right next to me, his golden eyes burning into mine with with a passion I had never seen an anyone.

"Y-Yuki.."

"Shhh." he put his index finger to my lips to hush me.

My eyes grew wide and I began to shake.

"It's okay. I promise."

I knew I should have backed away, but that look in his eyes drew me nearer to him. It was like some magnetic, gravitational attraction that we kept getting closer and closer.

"You don't trust me, do you, Shuichi?" Yuki asked me.

"I..."

"It's okay if you don't, Shu-chan."

I flinched at what he called me. Shu-chan... Only Ryo called me that, and hearing it out of Yuki's angelic mouth felt like a bitter stab to my heart. He threw a hand to his mouth.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that..."

He saw me flinch...

"The name just suits you, though. Shu and chan as in cute..."

I flinched again, this time more noticably. I couldn't help but to shake uncontrollably and sob.

"Shuichi...I'm sorry...I..."

He bit his lower lip and hesitated before taking me into his arms. I put up a feeble attempt to fight back, but he never let me go. I gave up and sobbed into his chest. That's why Ryo took me over so easily. Because, I couldn't fight back..

"I'm sorry, Shuichi, I'm sorry."

I wanted to yell at him and tell him to stop saying he is sorry. There was no reason to be sorry. I was just a pathetic excuse of a person, even more so for thinking that I could get away from the past I had so long tried to forget. I was as low as the dirt because he couldn't even compliment me without saying something wrong. It was just that everything he had said was the exact same thing that Ryo had said to me, and hearing those poisonous words out of an angel's mouth made me feel the death wrapped around every syllable. I felt my arms twitch. I was in withdrawl. I needed a blade. I needed to get out that golden perfection's arms and cut my own to the bone.

"I should take you home."

That's what I wanted. I wanted to go home where I knew my release would be, where I knew there was a blade awaiting my arrival. Imagining the silver metal never felt so enlightening and homely. Nor, did leaving that angel's presence ever make me feel free. I wanted away from everything. I didn't want Hiro, I didn't want Yuki, I didn't want anything except the blade and that razor to take my pain away. I was praying along the ride home that Hiro wasn't at home so I would have no disturbances. Cutting myself wasn't to get revenge on myself for being so unworthy, it was revenge on Ryo, my parents, on life in general for what they all made me. It was a revenge so they all could see the hell of a mess I was.

I never looked back when I arrived home, I never said a goodbye. I ran to the apartment, unlocked the door with the spare key hidden on the crack of the doorframe at the top, closed and locked it back, and ran to my room, opening the top drawer of my dresser where my savior lay. I picked up the metal like it was something fragile and watched it glow in the light of my window. It was all so welcoming and warmed me. I loved this little silver object. It was the only thing that understood my torment. I put it to my wrist and drug it down, relishing the pain that shot through my arm and the blood that ran down my arm and onto the floor. This was home, even though I still felt empty. I took the blade in my other hand, putting it to my other wrist and repeated the same motion as I did the opposite. The warm blood felt like a blanket. Soon darkness started to creep over my sight. For the first time, it overtook me. For the first time, Hiro wasn't there to save me.

------------------------

_I opened my eyes, I try to see but I'm blinded by the white light_

_I can't remember how, I can't remember why I'm lying here tonight _

_And, I can't stand the pain_

_And, I can't make it go away_

_No, I can't stand the pain_

_How could this happen to me_

_I made my mistakes_

_Got nowhere to run_

_The night goes on as I'm fading away_

_I'm sick of this life_

_I just want to scream_

_How could this happen to me_

_Everybody's screaming_

_I try to make a sound but no one hears me_

_I'm slipping off the edge_

_I'm hanging by a thread_

_I want to start this over again_

_So, I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered _

_And I can't explain what happened _

_And I can't erase the things that I done_

_No I can't_

_How could this happen to me_

_I made my mistakes_

_Got nowhere to run_

_The night goes on as I'm fading away_

_I'm sick of this life_

_I just want to scream_

_How could this happen to me_

Some was talking, but I couldn't understand what was being said. I didn't recognize the distorted faces, and I couldn't move my arms to wipe the sleep from my eyes. Everything was too bright. As the weariness wore off I began to take in my surroundings. I was in a hospital, Hiro and Yuki were sitting beside me in conversation. They didn't notice I was awake, so I just listened to what they were saying.

"I shouldn't have left him alone. I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault, Yuki-san."

"No, it is! He saw Ryo! I should have known better than to think he'd be okay enough to be on his own."

Yuki sounded horrible. I felt grief in my chest. The angel he was supposed to be was broken.

"I'm sorry, Hiro-san, it's all my fault."

"Yuki-san, I don't blame you, and I am sure Shuichi won't blame you either."

Yuki didn't answer immediatly. He sat in silence, his head in his hands, for a moment.

"Hiro, is it wrong that I like Shuichi?"

I was taken aback, Hiro wasn't affected. He shook his head.

"No, man. In fact, it's a good thing. Shuichi needs to know what a good relationship is. There is only so much I can do, but I can't fill in that empty space inside of him."

Hiro patted Yuki's shoulder reassuringly.

"Give him some time. You can hardly blame him. He has had it bad."

"I know."

"Be patient. He'll warm up to you on his own time. Give him space and dive in at him at the right moments. You know what I mean?"

"Not really."

Hiro winked.

"You'll understand sooner or later."

**(A/N): Well, I hope that this chapter was any good. I feel like it is too long. :( Please let me know what you all think of it. The songs are It's Not A Side Effect of the Cocaine. I am Thinking it Must be Love by Fall Out Boy and Untitled by Simple Plan. Please review!!!! Thanks for all who have reviewed before! You guys rock!**


	5. Chapter 5

**(A/N): This is another spur of the moment thing. It was one of emo moments, so please excuse the tearfullness. **

**Warnings: The usual...language, yada yada**

_Italicized words are songs _

**Chapter 5:**

The white walls added with the bright lights of the hospital room blinded me. I had to squint whenever I looked at anyone. I felt eyes on my but I couldn't bear to turn and see whos they were, even though I knew it was Yuki and Hiro. I didn't want to face them, I didn't want them to see my face. I knew that I looked a wreck. I kept my face turned, unable to turn over for the numerous amounts of machines around me, plus my arms hurt. I hadn't known the full extent of my injuries until I heard the nurse talk to Hiro. She told him that i severed a vein and that they almost lost me. I felt disappointed. It was my plan to die, the reason why I did it in the first place. I didn't want anything else. And, I know it wasn't his fault, but I blamed Yuki for it. If he hadn't of said the few wrong words to me, it wouldn't have sent me off the deep end. I tried to tell myself to quit blaming Yuki, that he was only trying to help, but nothing that he said helped at all. It just brought up those unwanted memories about Ryo. The memories of when he and I were actually happy together, or so it seemed.

I hated myself for the fact that I even had feelings for Ryo, and I hated myself more for trusting him and then letting him take me over so easily. I wished I had the strength to fight, but that wish never came true. I never grew enough power to even fight off my own emotions, so I let them take me over just like I let Ryo. If it had been any other situation I would have let Ryo take me. If he hadn't have been so forceful and so cruel. He scared me, and at that moment that he threw me against the wall and pinned me on the floor that I knew it wasn't right, that I couldn't let someone like that have me. But, I was too weak to fight him off.

I choked back a sob and tried to let sleep take me over. I didn't want to cry in front of Hiro and Yuki..again. That's all I had been doing for the past two days I had been in the hospital. Crying and having death wishes. Hiro and Yuki never left my side except when visiting hours were over, and that's when I felt the loneliest. Whenever they were here they would talk about other things except me. They didn't want to focus all the attention on me and I appreciated that. I knew I should have joined in on their conversation but my mouth felt like it was glued shut. So, I just listened.

"So, what are you going to do now? You don't have a job, so how can you support yourself?"

"I can find a job easily. I just want to do something that I like. I have enough money put back that I can support myself for a couple of months."

"What do you want to do, though?"

"I want to write." Yuki said, looking at the ceiling. "I have something written already, I just never got around to turning it in to a publishing company."

"Why not?"

Yuki looked over at Hiro and gave a half-hearted smile. "Too lazy. Not enough confidence."

Hiro cocked his head to the side. "You, not enough confidence. You're the most headstrong person I know."

Yuki shook his head and looked at me, I was pretending to be asleep. "No, I'm not."

I opened my eyes, not caring to pretend anymore. I looked straight into Yuki's eyes. He looked sad and distant, like an angel with broken wings trying to get back into heaven. He gave me a small smile and continued talking.

"I never have, I just learned not to care anymore."

Hiro looked at the floor. He had a deep look in his eye, that look of understanding, something that he has always had for my sake.

"You're something else, Yuki-san."

Yuki shook his head. "I'm just human."

Those words shook me inside and out. He couldn't have been human, not my angel. He was my guardian angel. He was supposed to be bigger than life, he was supposed to over look me with a smile on his face and a warm embrace and take all of my troubles away. He wasn't supposed to be a human.

I turned my head away again as I felt the tears burn in the corner of my eyes. I felt betrayed. My one hope for redemption was shot down with a silver arrow and stabbed right inside of my dreams.

"Shuichi looks up to you." Hiro whispered, hoping that I wouldn't hear, but I did.

"What?"

"Shuichi really looks up to you. He likes your self-assurance. It makes him feel like there is something stable in his life."

I turned back to face Yuki and Hiro. They both looked at me, I looking straight at Yuki. Through my tears, I muttered five words to him:

"You are my guardian angel."

------------

"Visiting hours are almost over." a nurse poked her head inside of the door and said.

Hiro nodded to her and stood. He walked up to me and squeezed my shoulder.

"We'll be back tommorrow, buddy, okay?"

I nodded.

"You're supposed to be released tommorrow, so you have something to look up to."

I nodded again. Hiro turned to Yuki and beckoned him to follow.

"Eh, Hiro, you go on ahead, I'll catch up."

Hiro looked at him confusedly for a moment, but then smiled, nodded and left. Yuki turned to me with a sad smile on his face. I could tell it was sincere and heartfelt, it just wasn't what I wanted to see from him.

"I'm your guardian angel, huh?" he asked me, looking deep into my eyes.

I nodded slowly. He put his hand to my cheek. I leaned into it, taking advantage of the warmth of his palm. I felt deathly cold for some reason.

"I want to help you, Shu." he said to me, rubbing his thumb against my cheek.

I looked desperatly into his eyes, searching for the truth in his words. I found the truthfullness dead center in them, right where I saw my reflection.

"I'll save you, I promise."

He leaned over and gently kissed the cheek his hand was once on. With one last smile he left, leaving me in the cold brightness. That night I didn't feel lonely.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"The focus now should be you two getting a job." Hiro said from the passenger seat as he, Yuki, and I left from the hospital.

"I think Yuki should try out writing." I said from the backseat.

Yuki looked through the rearview mirror to smile at me.

"Think so?"

"Sure, why not?" I said, trying to hide my blush. "I mean, I haven't read anything of yours or nothing, but.."

"I know what you mean, relax." he said with a chuckle, turning his eyes back to the road.

"Hey," Hiro said, leaning back into his seat, "what do you say we go get some pizza, eh?"

"Sure, we can pick it up and take it back to my place, how about that?" Yuki suggested.

"What! Pizza at Yuki's house?!" I said cheerfully. "Sounds good to me."

Yuki smiled and looked at Hiro. "He likes my apartment."

"I can tell." Hiro said, looking back at me with a relieved smile on his face.

I knew that he was happy that I was being cheerful. It was something he rarely saw. I gave him a smile back that told him he had Yuki to thank for that.

We picked up the pizza and went back to Yuki's apartment. I was the first one in the door and the first one to start drooling over his posters. I just loved the warmth of Yuki's place. It made me feel so welcome. Hiro and I sat on the couch while Yuki set the pizza on the coffee table and went into the kitchen to grab some soda for all of us. Hiro took the advantage of his absence to turn to me.

"Shu, you're rather cheerful today. Did something happen last night between you and Yuki-san?" he asked with a smirk.

I blushed. "N-no! W-what makes you think that?!"

His smirk grew. "Mhm, okay, Shu. Whatever you say."

"Hiro!"

He laughed and ignored my cries as Yuki came back in, looking at us like we had six heads.

"Did I miss something?" he asked, setting the cans of coke in front of us on the coffee table and sitting directly in between Hiro and me.

"No." I said, pouting. "Hiro's just being an ass."

Hiro shrugged. Yuki raised an eyebrow and attacked the pizza, grabbing a piece. Hiro and I followed suit. I hadn't realized how hungry I was. I refused to eat the hospital's food, so they had to force feed me. That was something Hiro and Yuki didn't know. They would worry if they knew that. So, the nurses and I kept that our little secret.

Yuki yawned at turned on the television. He looked bored, yet content at the same time, if that was even possible.

"Hey, Shu," Yuki said turning his gaze to me, "sing us a song."

"Wha-?"

"Sing us a song."

"Yeah, Shu," Hiro joined, "sing us a song."

"Why, I can't sing."

Yuki rolled his eyes and Hiro burst out laughing.

"Shindou Shuichi, you know better than to say you can't sing." Hiro said wiping his eyes from the tears of laughter.

"He's right. I used to hear you at work everyday. I miss it. C'mon, sing a song. I'll let you pick anything out of my whole CD collection."

My eyes brightened at Yuki's proposal.

"For real?!"

Yuki nodded and gestured his hand towards the shelf that held all of his CDs. I felt like I was in heaven as my eyes ran over all the music, alphabetized and everything. I chose one of my favorite bands and took the CD carefully from the shelf and cradled it in my hands. Yuki switched the TV to the DVD player and slipped the CD into it. (DVD players can play CDs, too. Isn't that awesome:P)

"Hm, The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus. Good choice. What song you want?"

"Face Down." I said to him.

He nodded and turned the CD to the song. I took a deep breath and began to sing:

_Hey girl, you know you drive me crazy_

_One look puts the rythym in my head_

_Still I'll never understand why you hang around  
I see what's going down _

Cover up with makeup in the mirror  
Tell yourself it's never gonna happen again  
You cry alone and that he swears he loves you

Do you feel like a man when you push her around?   
Do you feel better now as she falls to the ground?  
Well, I'll tell you my friend, one day this world's going to end  
As your lies crumble down, a new life she has found

A pebble in the water makes a ripple effect  
Every action in this world will bear a consequence  
If you wait around forever you will surely drown  
I see what's going down

I see the way you go and say you're alright again  
Say you're alright again  
Heed my lecture

Do you feel like a man when you push her around?  
Do you feel better now as she falls to the ground?  
Well, I'll tell you my friend, one day this world's going to end  
As your lies crumble down, a new life she has found

Face down in the dirt she says "this doesn't hurt"  
She says " I've finally had enough"   
Face down in the dirt she says "this doesn't hurt"  
She says " I've finally had enough"

One day she will tell you that she has had enough  
It's coming round again

Do you feel like a man when you push her around?  
Do you feel better now as she falls to the ground?  
Well, I'll tell you my friend, one day this world's going to end  
As your lies crumble down, a new life she has found

Do you feel like a man when you push her around?  
Do you feel better now as she falls to the ground?   
Well, I'll tell you my friend, one day this world's going to end   
As your lies crumble down, a new life she has found

Face down in the dirt she says "this doesn't hurt"  
She says " I've finally had enough"

Hiro and Yuki clapped, praising me. I smiled.

"I really should give Tohma a call and tell him about you." Yuki said, taking the CD out of the player and putting it back in it's case.

"I don't think so." I said putting the CD back on the shelf and taking back my seat on the couch.

"Why not?" he asked me.

"Because I can't sing!" I said, pouting.

He rolled his eyes.

"Whatever you want to believe Shuichi." he said leaning back into the couch and turning the television back on.

We all sat in unison and watched MTV for a while before I began to get bored. I hated it when I got bored because that's when my depression would start to sneak back up on me. I searched my brain for something to do, because I didn't want to ruin the comfortable moment between the three of us.

"Um, Yuki, do you have some kind of board game or something?" I asked nervously.

"Yeah, why?"

"I'm getting bored."

Hiro sat up quickly.

"Yes, Yuki-san, get this kid a board game!"

"Is he being bored a back thing?"

Hiro nodded. I looked at the floor, blushing in embarrassment. Yuki grinned.

"Why don't be play Twister?"

"What?"

"Twister. I think you'll like it."

I shrugged, agreeing to play whatever he wanted to. Anything that would break my boredom. He went into his room and started digging around in his closet until he came out with a square box.

"I'll do the spinner. I don't much like playing this game. I have no balance." Hiro said rubbing the back of his head.

He gave Yuki a strange look that Yuki seemed to be able to read. His face flushed slightly.

"Sure, whatever." he mumbled.

Hiro snickered. Yuki opened the box, handing the spinner to Hiro.

"The objective to the game," Yuki said unfolding the mat and laying it on the floor, me aweing the red, blue, green, and yellow dots, "is to not to fall down. Hiro is going to spin and whatever it lands on is what you have to put your hand or foot on."

I nodded. The game seemed too easy.

Hiro spun the black thing on the spinner, and waited until it stopped. Yuki and I stood on opposite sides of the mat. We decided to play in socks so the game would be a little more challenging.

"Who is going first?" Hiro asked.

"Let Yuki go first so I can get an idea of how to do this." I said.

Hiro nodded. "Yuki, left foot green."

Yuki reached his left foot over to one of the green dots, which was right by me. He looked at me, as if asking me if I knew what to do. I nodded and waited for Hiro to tell me what to do.

---

We were twenty minutes into the game and neither Yuki nor I had fallen. Yuki and I were all tangled up, my right foot on yellow, left foot on blue, right hand on green, left hand on blue, and Yuki's right foot on green, left foot on blue, right hand on blue, left hand on yellow.

The more tangled him and I got the more Hiro would snicker. Yuki would blush but keep playing. I was having fun. I liked feeling the strain of trying to stay up. My muscles twitched, threatening to give on on me.

"Ready to give up yet?" Yuki asked me breathlessly.

"Nope. You?"

"Nah, I'm good." he said, the strain audible in his voice.

I suddenly got an idea with brought an evil smile to my lips. Yuki's face went from strained to shocked and I let my body fall onto his arm, which was right under me. I lifted one of my hands and began to tickle his side. He fell, grabbing me and sending me to the floor with him. We laughed, still entangled in each others arms.

"That was fun." I said with a grin, wiping the sweat off my forehead.

"Nothing like a game of twister to send your muscles into paralysis."

"You mean you can't get up?"

"Nope."

"That's okay, because I can't either."

"I..uh...I'm going to go get some movies. Be back soon!" Hiro said quickly, shooting out the door before Yuki or I could say another word.

"He's been acting weird lately." I said unconciously letting my head rest against his chest.

Yuki blushed and studdered as he spoke."Y-yeah, h-he has h-hasn't he?"

"Are you okay, Yuki?" I asked, not bothering to lift my head.

"Mhm, just fine." he said.

I could tell he was lying. He didn't act like he was uncomfortable, he just acted like he was..giddy and girlish. Kind of like a girl acts when her crush talks to her. I was confused, but shrugged it off. Yuki and I were silent for a while until we heard a voice from through the door that sounded a lot like Hiro.

"Just kiss each other already, dammit!"

I blushed and looked at Yuki, who looked at me. We both had a 'what-the-hell' look on our face. I gulped and continued to look into Yuki's eyes. Hiro words rung in my head. 'Just kiss him already...' It seemed like the right thing to do. I felt him inch towards me and I inched towards him until our lips were barely touching. Just then, Hiro burst into the room, an angry look on his face.

"Will you two quit stalling and kiss already?!!!"

Yuki and I glared at Hiro and yelled in unison, "You are such a mood killer!"

**(A/N): Another chapter down! YAY! I hope you liked it! Please review!!! **


	6. Chapter 6

**(A/N): This is another spur of the moment thing. It was one of those emo moments, so please excuse the tearfullness. **

**Warnings: The usual...language, yada yada**

_Italicized words are songs _

**Chapter 6:**

I pouted and sunk into the cushion of the couch. Yuki and Hiro rolled their eyes.

"Shuichi, you had better stop that sulking. I skipped work today just so we could go talk to Tohma, so you had better pep up buddy. You seem to forget that I don't make enough money to support both of us."

He was right, and I knew I should stop my sulking, but I didn't want to go talk to Tohma. I didn't think that I could sing, didn't care to think that I could. I just wanted them to leave me alone about it. But, since they insisted I sighed in defeat and stood, following them to the car. I got into the backseat and crossed my arms across my chest and looked out the window. I didn't feel like talking to them, so I ignored their eyes as they looked at me. They just didn't understand my position on the situation. Sure, I loved music, but I didn't love the fact that they were forcing me to go talk to the biggest man in music about getting a record deal when I didn't have the voice to sing.

"Just trust us on this, Shu." Yuki said to me as we pulled up into the parking garage of NG Productions.I sighed and got out of the car. A man with platinum blonde hair met us outside. It took me a moment to realize that I was staring at Seguchi Tohma. I froze in embarrassment, even though no one seemed to notice me.

"Eiri-san, you are right on time."

Yuki and Hiro shook hands with Seguchi. He stopped at me, holding out his hand. I shook it, the feel of his hand in mine sending a shiver down my spine. It felt like a dream come true.

"Follow me to my office." Seguchi said, gesturing us inside the building.

We followed behind, Hiro and I listening to Yuki and Seguchi talk like best friends. Hiro looked at me with a confused expression on his face.

"They are brother-in-laws." I informed him.

He shook his head that he understood. We stopped in front of a door that said "Seguchi Tohma, President" and entered. His office was plain, but still very nice. It had a lonely desk in the middle of the huge room in front of a wall that was all glass overlooking the city. The desk has papers neatly stacked, along with a picture of a woman that resembled Yuki. I figured that it must have been his sister. There were a couple of plants in the corners of the room. Other than that, the room was bare. There were four chairs in front of the desk, one that was already occupied.

A man that looked to be around twenty-one, the same age as myself, was sitting in one the chairs and playing with a pink, stuffed, bunny rabbit.

"Don't worry, Kumagoro-kun, Tohma-san will be back soon."

"Sorry to keep you waiting, Ryuichi, I had to fetch these three."

Ryuichi, as Tohma called him, turned to us and waved, smiling goofily.

"That's alright, Tohma, I like meeting new people."

"I know you do." Seguchi said with a smile.

Seguchi gestured for us to sit, so we did. I sat by the Ryuichi man, followed by Yuki, then Hiro. Ryuichi smiled at me. I smiled politely back, so I didn't make a rude impression.

"I'm here for a job." Ryuichi said to me. "Tohma and I are good friends, so it would be fun working with him."

Seguchi smiled at Ryuichi again, then turned to Yuki.

"Now, who is it you wanted to talk to me about?"

Yuki pointed his thumb at me. I sat frozen when Seguchi's gaze fell on me.

"So, you are the one Yuki says has an amazing voice?"

"They like to say I do." I said.

"So, you don't think that you have a good voice."

I shrugged. "Not really. Then again, I never heard myself sing, so--"

"That's not a good thing, to think you can't sing." Ryuichi cut in.

I looked at him in confusion. He had a serious expression on his face. This man frightened me slightly, because just as quickly as that serious face he had came it left and he was back to being childish. Seguchi seemed unphased.

"Well, since you and Ryuichi are here for the same reason, why don't we move to a recording room so I can hear both of you."

"Kay!" Ryuichi said happily, hopping up and going to the door before anyone else got up.

Seguchi rose and walked to the door beside Ryuichi. We followed.

---

"So, who is going first?" Seguchi asked, taking a seat at at table sitting in the middle of a room outside of the recording box.

"I will." Ryuichi said, jumping up and hopping inside.

"Alright, Ryuichi, anything special you want to sing along to?"

"Truly Madly Deeply by Savage Garden."

I loved that song.

"Alright."

Ryuichi looked at the ceiling with his eyes closed. When he opened his eyes he was serious, and deep look in his eyes. This was his stage face, I figured that as soon as I saw him. It was a side of him that I knew would sweep crowds off of their feet. Just looking at this man, I knew that he would be a big shot before I even heard him sing. When I heard his voice, that's when all the pieces were set in place.

_I'll be your dream, I'll be your wish, I'll be your fantasy  
I'll be your hope, I'll be your love, be everything that you need  
I love you more with every breath truly, madly, deeply, do  
I will be strong, I will be faithful 'cause I'm counting on  
A new beginning  
A reason for living  
A deeper meaning, yeah_

I want to stand with you on a mountain  
I want to bathe with you in the sea  
I want to lay like this forever  
Until the sky falls down on me

And when the stars are shining brightly in the velvet sky  
I'll make a wish, send it to Heaven, then make you want to cry  
The tears of joy for all the pleasure and the certainty  
That we're surrounded by the comfort and protection of ..  
The highest power  
In lonely hours  
The tears devour you

I want to stand with you on a mountain  
I want to bathe with you in the sea  
I want to lay like this forever  
Until the sky falls down on me

Oh can't you see it baby?  
You don't have to close your eyes, 'cause it's standing right before you  
All that you need will surely come

I'll be your dream, I'll be your wish, I'll be your fantasy  
I'll be your hope, I'll be your love, be everything that you need  
I'll love you more with every breath truly, madly, deeply, do

I want to stand with you on a mountain  
I want to bathe with you in the sea  
I want to lay like this forever  
Until the sky falls down on me

I want to stand with you on a mountain  
I want to bathe with you in the sea  
I want to lay like this forever  
Until the sky falls down on me

I want to stand with you on a mountain  
I want to bathe with you in the sea  
I want to lay like this forever  
Until the sky falls down on me

I was on the verge of tears. This man's voice was the most amazing thing I had ever heard. It was so clear, so smooth, so natural, so amazing that I felt like dropping to my knees and bowing at his feet. Yuki, Hiro, and Seguchi clapped for him, I just sat in awe.

"That was great, Ryuichi, I am more than impressed."

Ryuichi smiled, now back to his childish self, coming of the recording box.

"I was good, eh?" he asked happily.

"You were astonishing." Hiro said wiping his forehead.

I looked at him with a jealous look on my face. He looked back at me and shrugged.

"I can't help it, he's just awesome."

I nodded in understanding.

"Alright, Shuichi, your turn." Yuki said gently to me.

I wasn't nervous or anything. I never got stage fright. I was just put of place at Ryuichi's voice. At that moment I idolized that man. I stood and walked inside the recording room and placed myself behind the microphone.

"What will you be singing us, Shuichi?" Seguchi asked me.

I thought for a moment, not really knowing what to sing. I wanted to do something easy, but also something that brought out my voice, or whatever voice Yuki and Hiro said I had.

"Its Not Over by Chris Daughtry." I said to him.

"Oh, I LOVE THAT SONG!" Ryuichi said happily, clapping his bunny's hands.

I took a deep breath, readying myself, nodding to Seguchi that I was ready as he searched his computer database for that song.

_I was blown away  
But what could I say  
It all seemed to make sence.  
Your taking away every thing  
And I can't do without.  
I try to see the good in life.  
The good things in life are hard to find.  
We're blowin away, blownin away  
Can we make this something good?_

Well I'll try to do to it right this time around  
It's not over,  
Try to do it right this time around   
It's not over  
But a part of me is dead and in the ground.   
This love is killin me  
But your the only one  
It's not over.

I've taken all I can take  
And I cannot wait  
We're wastin too much time  
Bein strong, holdin on  
Can't let it bring us down

My life with you means everything  
So I won't give up that easily  
Blowin away blowin away  
Can make this something good?  
Cause it's all misunderstood?

Well I'll try to do to it right this time around  
It's not over,  
Try to do it right this time around  
It's not over  
But a part of me is dead and in the ground.  
This love is killin me  
But your the only one  
It's not over.

You can't let this get away   
Let it out, let it out  
Don't get caught up in yourself  
Let it out.

Let's start over  
Well try to do to it right this time around  
Its not over  
But a part of me is dead and in the ground.  
This love is killin me  
But your the only one  
It's not over.

Lets start over  
Its not over  
This love is killin me  
But your the only one  
It's not over

I looked up to see Yuki smiling, Hiro almost crying, Seguchi with a satisfied look, and Ryuichi biting his lip in excitement. When I walked out I was glomped by Ryuichi, his bunny falling onto my face.

"That was sooooooo GREAT! And, you said you couldn't sing, you silly!"

He let me go and I walked to Yuki, shook up from the sudden attack. I didn't like it when people suddenly would touch me or anything to that sort. It always made me feel like they were attacking me. Seguchi stood and clapped his hands together. He smiled at us, a smile that seemed creepy and played out. I saw past it and listened to his next, life changing words.

"You two are hired."

Hiro started bawling.

"Awwww, my little Shuichi is FINALLY growing up!" he grabbed me and sobbed into my hair.

"Hiro, stop acting like my mother!" I said, pushing him off of me.

"Sorry." he said wiping his eyes. "You just make me so...so proud!"

He let out a stream of fresh sobs. Yuki and I ignored it and turned back to Seguchi.

"We are hired, Tohma?!" Ryuichi asked, bouncing all the balls of his feet.

Tohma nodded. There was something missing, though...

"You two are going to be assigned into seperate bands. I will find members very shortly."

"Um, Seguchi-san, sir," I spoke up sheepishly. "If it isn't much trouble..I already have a guitarist that can work with me..."

"Oh, that would be very much help on me. Who is he?"

I raised a finger and pointed at Hiro. His eyes went wide. Seguchi looked over at him.

"Hiro-san, can you play guitar?"

"Yes, sir." Hiro said nervously.

"Show me. There is a guitar in the recording room."

Hiro walked inside and saw the guitar inside. He picked it up, placing the strap comfortably around his shoulder and tested the strings to see that it was in tune. Then, he began to play.

When he was done he looked up at an impressed Tohma, who turned to me and said, "You have your guitarist."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hiro had gone to his job to tell his boss of the good news and tell him that he had to resign. I stayed with Yuki, sitting on his couch, wrapped comfortably in his arms, watching television.

"So, you and Hiro are now members of the NG squad. How does it feel?"

"Pretty good." I answered. "That Ryuichi guy was amazing."

"Yeah." Yuki answered. "But, not as good as you."

"Quit buttering me up, Yuki." I said with a blush, looking into his golden eyes.

"I'm serious." he said back to me.

I stared into his eyes, seeing a deep passion in them. It felt like a momentum inside of me and I let myself lean into his embrace and kiss his lips gently. I had never felt so right at that moment. Yuki and I didn't even notice Hiro step in, but he left just as soon as he seen us. I could sense a smile in his presence. And, I swear I heard him say, "Finally."

**(A/N): See there, a Yuki and Shuichi fluff moment. :D :D Hope you liked it! Please review! I love the reviewers:D **


	7. Chapter 7

**(A/N): This is another spur of the moment thing. It was one of those emo moments, so please excuse the tearfullness. **

**Warnings: The usual...language, yada yada**

_Italicized words are songs _

**Chapter 7:**

My first day at work was all but a pleasant one. First, I was having an extremely awesome dream about Yuki and his wonderful lips, then stupid Hiro had to wake me up and drag me into work on an empty stomach because apparently we were running late. Then, when we got to NG we were greeted by the Ryuichi dude. Well, I was, seeing as he glomped me. That scared and depressed me. Scared me because of the sudden attack (he was still a stranger, after all) and depressed me because I knew I was getting worked up over nothing. Then, Seguchi came in around the middle of the day with some sixteen year old kid named Fukisaki Suguru and told us that he was going to play the synthesiser for our band. We were given a producer who was overreactive and paranoid (the man would literally form into a tornado, spinning and wailing when something he thought went wrong happened) and a manager who was a gun loving American. We were also told to have a name for the band by the next day and to have the lyrics for a song written and ready by the next day. I was given the honor of writing the songs, which is my weak point in life. I couldn't write a verse, I could hardly ryhme. So, why they laid that job on me, I don't know. I guess, because I was the lead singer and that's what lead singers did.

I got shot at a total of sixty times. They were narrow misses and I stayed shook up from the attempted murders for hours. Hiro shook it off like it wasn't anything. Actually, he seemed to enjoy it. I thought he was crazy. I did find anything amusing in the fact that I was close to being made into Swiss cheese.

After what seemed like days, we finally had our lunch break.

"Hiro, this job is hard. You would think that doing music would be fun."

"Well, this is just our first day. We haven't gotten to the fun part, yet. This is a business, after all."

"I know, but it's still ridiculous."

Hiro shrugged, munching on a candy bar.

"I don't know." he said. "Seems fine to me."

I sighed. "You are too easy going, Hiro."

"Well, maybe you are just too uptight."

I let his words sink in, the lowered my head on defeat. He was right, I was too uptight. But, was that really my fault? I didn't find myself capable of doing anything right, so I tried the easiest things I could. I guess, I just got used to living that way. Hiro knew that. Maybe he thought it was a learning experiance for me. Well, it certainly was, because by the end of the work day, I was exhausted to the core. We didn't do much except make me sing a bunch of random songs to work out my vocals and have the band try to sync together so we would be perfectly on cue. We even came up with the name for the band: Bad Luck.

We had the pleasant suprise of finding Yuki waiting for us in the parking lot of our apartment complex. He poked his head out of the window of his car and yelled to us.

"Oi, you two, hows about we go to dinner, my treat!"

Hiro and I didn't resist. We hopped in the car and were soon cruising the streets of Tokyo to find a place to eat at. We all settled on a diner on the outskirts of town, close to where Yuki lived. We sat in a booth, me in the middle between Hiro and Yuki, looking through the menu to find what would best fill our varying appetites, mine being the smallest. We ordered and waited patiently for our food to come.

"How was the first day of work?" Yuki asked, more to me than Hiro.

"It was okay. Tiring." I said rubbing my eyes.

"Oh, someone needs a nap." Hiro said nudging me in the ribs.

I stuck my tongue out at him. I knew Hiro was joking, but he knew that I didn't sleep well, I never do.

"We have a crazy, gun freak manager, a paraoid producer, and a sixteen year old brat as a synther." I said. "Hiro, me, and the brat all form the band Bad Luck."

"That's the name of your band, Bad Luck?"

"Yeah, Shuichi came up with it, actually." Hiro said putting his arm around my shoulders and gave them a reassuring squeeze.

"It's a good name." Yuki said, smiling at the waiter as he set our food in front of us.

We ate in a comfortable silence for a while. I noticed Yuki would start smiling to himself at random moments. I, confused as to why he was doing that, poked him on the shoulder.

"Why are you smiling like that?" I asked him.

He shook his head and smiled at me. "Just thinking."

"About?" I asking raising my eyebrow and smiling back.

He poked my nose and went back to his food. I felt a shiver run down my body. Yuki made me happy. He made me feel free. I loved being around him, because this good feeling felt so welcoming to me. When I wasn't in Yuki's presence, the dark feeling inside of me would grow and grow and my mind would wander to the darker sides of my personality, and the darker sides of my life. I knew then that I felt so good around Yuki was because he kept my mind off the unwanted things. All along Hiro had been right, that I needed something keep my mind busy. I made a mental note to thank Hiro for that.

"I have an appointment with a publishing company tommorrow." Yuki informed on the way back to his apartment.

We had dropped Hiro off at his and my apartment, he saying that he wanted to help me get started on the lyrics and get a beat started. But, something inside told me he had alterior motives because he gave Yuki and me a huge smirk as we pulled away. I didn't mind, though. I had wanted to be alone with Yuki all day. I didn't know why, I just had this feeling that I wanted to have some time with him for myself.

"That's great! So, you are finally going to start your writing career?"

"Well, if they like me, then I have a chance." he said.

"I know you are going to do well."

He looked over at me. "You think?"

"Yeah, of course."

He smiled and looked back onto the road, pulling into his apartment complex. We went to his apartment and I automatically took my spot on the couch. He laughed and looked at me funny.

"You know, don't you think if you are going to spend a lot of time with me in my apartment, you might want to know where the bathroom is?" he asked me.

"Huh, what's that supposed to mean?"

"It means, shouldn't I give a tour of the place so you will know where things are?"

"Yeah..I guess so."

He took me around his apartment. He showed me where his study was. It was empty except for a desk that had a laptop and a lamp on it. Then, he showed me his room. It was the only other room I liked more than the living room. He had more posters on the wall in his room and a closet full of the most awesome clothes I had ever seen. His bed had the same sheets and comforter as mine, so that automatically attracted me. I couldn't resist and I ran to it and fell into it. It was the softest mattress I had ever felt in my life. Yuki chuckled in amusement.

"Do you like my bed."

I nodded, snuggling my head into his pillow. It smelled like Yuki. I let the scent enter into my system until I became dizzy. I looked over at Yuki with heavy eyes and patted the space beside me, gesturing for Yuki to come lay beside me. He came and I felt his weight rattle the bed. I automatically scooted over and laid my head on his chest. He wrapped his arm around me, and I soaked in all of his warmth.

"Mm, Yuki, you smell good."

"I'm glad you think so, Shu." he said with a small laugh.

"Yuki, do you like me?" I asked him, lifting my head to look his in the eyes.

"What?"

"Do you like me?"

"Well, of course I like you." he answered.

"No, I mean, do you really...like me, like me...?"

He was silent for a moment. I waited patiently for his answer, not wanting to rush him. I felt my heart sink the longer he waited to answer me. He must have sensed my disappointment, because he smiled and put a hand to my cheek.

"Of course I like you, like you, Shuichi." he said quietly, looking deep into my eyes.

I bit my lip and tried to hide my deep blush that was forming on my cheeks and the back of my neck. He put his hand to the back of my head and pulled me down into a gently kiss. His tender lips gently pressed against mine and sent sparks of life down my body. He grazed my cheek with his fingertips which sent goosebumps shooting up my arms. I pressed my lips harder against his, and could feel his tongue play with my lips. I opened my own mouth allowing his entry as he attacked my hollow chamber and battled with my tongue. Running my hands through his silky hair and rolled over, letting him lay on top of me.

I never had a doubt at kissing Yuki, not at all. But, I wasn't quite sure of myself as to whether I was okay with what was happening. I felt right with Yuki's mouth against mine, but something inside of me was calling out for more. I didn't know whether it was just the testosterone, or what, but something inside was calling me and telling me, begging me for more of Yuki. I held myself back, though, because I was scared. Ryo put such a big scar on that side of my life that I didn't want to put myself in a situation that I would later regret.

Yuki and I broke for air, our chests heaving against one another. Yuki laid his forehead against mine.

"You aren't such a bad kisser." he said to me with a small smile.

I smiled back. "Right back at you."

"You know, Shuichi," Yuki said, rolling off of me and onto his back, letting me lay me head on his chest, "you intrigued me from the first day I met you."

"What do you mean?"

"I always thought that you were different from other people, not including the pink hair. Just the fact that you had this aura around you that you were in need. I felt compelled to fill that spot."

"That's funny, because I always thought that you were straight."

"I am." he said.

I raised my eyebrow and lifted my head to look at him strangely.

"You're gonna tell me that you were just here making out with me and then you are going to tell me you are straight?"

He kissed me again to hush me.

"There is just something about you." he said, breaking the kiss. "I can't help myself."

I felt myself blush again.

"W-what's that supposed to mean?"

He was silent in thought for a moment.

"Like I said before about your aura, I just feel the need to be with you." he said sheepishly. "I can't help it. It's like gravity. I'm pulled to you."

I pressed my lips back against his before he could say another word. He didn't resist, but kissed me back as soon as our lips contacted. His hands wandered my back hitting my sensitive spots while my hands wandered his neck and head, finding his sensitive spot to be his ears. He let out a moan and I grinned, biting my lower, kiss swollen lip.

"Did I just hit a hot spot?" I asked him.

He blushed and rubbed his ear. He nodded with an embarrassed smile. I giggled and bit his ear, enjoying the moaning coming from his mouth.

"You are so evil." he said to me, rolling back on top of me.

I smiled back at him innocently. He gave me the face that said you-are-a-total-bitch, teasing look. It sent even more lustful shivers down my back. These pleasurable feelings inside of me were screaming, but I masked them. I wasn't ready, not yet.

"Hey, Yuki.."

"Yeah, Shu?"

"Does this mean that you are bisexual?"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hiro called Yuki's house somewhere around nine. He and I were watching television, cuddled on the couch, when the ring woke us from our T.V. stupor.

"Hello?" Yuki said, answering the phone.

"Yuki-san, let me talk to Shuichi."

Yuki looked concerned and handed the phone to me.

"It's Hiro. He sounds shook up."

I took the phone immediatly.

"Hiro, what's wrong?"

"Shu...it's Ryo. He came by here."

"What?!"

"H-he came by looking for you."

"Hiro, are you okay?! Did he hurt you?"

"No, I'm fine, but please, stay with Yuki tonight, okay? It isn't safe for you to come here tonight."

"Hiro, then you leave there, too. I--"

"I'll be fine, he was looking for you, not me. Just stay with Yuki, at least for tonight, okay?"

"Okay..."

"I will see you at work, okay? I already have some lyrics to get us started."

"Hiro, are you going to be okay?"

"I'll be fine, Shuichi."

He sounded confident, but I sensed slight fear in his voice. I wanted him to come and stay with me, I wanted him right beside me so I know that he would be safe. But, he sounded like it was what he wanted and I nothing I could say or do would make him do otherwise.

"Okay, Hiro." I said sadly.

"Don't worry about me, Shu. I'm fine, I will be fine. I just want you to keep your eye out. I'll inform Seguchi-san tommorrow that our manager needs to stay with you at all times that I am not around, okay?"

"Hiro, that's a little out of hand.."

"Not when you are in danger, Shuichi!" Hiro yelled at me through the phone. "I don't want _that_ happening to you again. Please, Shuichi, let me and Yuki take care of you. Please."

I felt like I was on the verge of breaking down. I wanted Hiro, so I would know he was okay. He sounded so weak.

"Okay, Hiro." I choked.

I had no choice but to follow his orders. I didn't even bother to look at Yuki, instead I fell onto his chest and sobbed.

"Hiro, I don't feel good about this. I want you here...I want to know that you are really okay.."

Hiro's voice softened. "I promise you, Shuichi... I'm okay."

"I don't believe you."

Yuki rubbed my back, trying to comfort me. Hiro didn't answer me for what seemed like hours, but was really only two minutes.

"I'm okay. I'll bring you some clothes tommorrow at work so you can change when you get there."

"Okay."

"Shuichi, try to relax, okay, buddy?"

"What did Ryo say to you?"

"Shu..."

"What did he say to you?" I asked more sternly.

"He asked me where you were, and I refused to tell him. So, he said..he said..."

"Hiro, tell me."

"I don't want you to...hurt yourself..."

"You are letting me down if you don't tell me, Hiro. You make it seem like you don't trust me."

"I do trust you, Shuichi."

"Then tell me what he said."

"He...he said...he said he would search to the ends of the earth, in every crack and corner, and he will find you and take back what is his."

I didn't answer back. Instead I dropped the phone into Yuki's lap and sobbed uncontrollably. Yuki tensed up, not sure what to do in this situation. I started screaming, hoping Hiro would hear me.

"Don't let him get me! Help me!"

Yuki grabbed the phone and put it to his ear, unsure at how to comfort me.

"There isn't anything you can do when he's like this. Just try to stifle his yells. Do like I did when you saw him scream the other day. Just do that and rock him. Whisper to him. He won't settle down if you don't. He's going to fight, but whatever you do, don't let go."

"Okay. Bye, Hiro-san."

"Take care of him, Yuki."

Yuki hung up the phone and buried my face in his chest, stifling the sounds of my yells. I was still screaming and sobbing, begging for help. I felt the world crashing down in front of me, and I was spiraling down a black hole and all I could think about was Ryo beating me and beating me and not stopping.

"Help, please! Hiro! Yuki! Yuki!"

I just knew Hiro was hurt, I just knew something bad was happening to him. I shivered despite my rising body heat.

"Shh, it's okay, Shuichi. It's okay..."

I soon felt my body completely shut down and sleep overtake me.

"Save me...somebody...please...Yuki...help...me..."

"I'm right here, Shuichi. I'm right here."

**(A/N): Okay, another chapter down. I know it's kind of long, but nothing works out in this one unless I make it long. Thanks for reading! Please review! **


	8. Chapter 8

**(A/N): This is another spur of the moment thing. It was one of those emo moments, so please excuse the tearfullness. **

**Warnings: The usual...language, yada yada. **

_Italicized words are songs _

**Chapter 8:**

The next morning I found myself waking up and running around an empty void with only Hiro on my mind. All I could see in my head was a picture of him lying in a pool of blood on the floor. My head was screaming, urging me to break through the black walls that surrounded me and get to him, but I couldn't get out. I couldn't move, I was caged in. The void felt like it was closing in on me, suffocating me. I began to sweat profusely, my body jerking against my will, and pain began to throb through my arms. I heard someone call my name. They seemed so far away that the sound of their voice was faint. I covered my ears, not wanting to hear it. It sounded tantalizing, like it was laughing at me, calling 'Shuichi, Shuichi'...

"Shuichi, it's okay! Relax!"

The void slipped away like water does from cupped hands. I found myself lying on my back, pinned down by Yuki, sweating and gasping for breath. The sight of Yuki pinning me down frightened me. I began to try to jerk out of his grasp. He immediatly let me go.

"You were kicking and screaming, I had to hold you down so I could wake you." he said.

He sounded hurt. I felt guilty for that and began to cry. He wiped my tears and gave me a sympathetic look. Sharp pain shot through my arms, suddenly. I lifted them up slowly, they felt like lead, and examined them. There was blood underneath the bandages. Yuki looked at them and gasped.

"You must have torn the stitches while you were squirming around."

He hopped to his feet and ran off somewhere in his apartment to find whatever it was he was looking for, leaving me alone in what felt like a vast, empty cavern with barely any light. I felt cold, despite my sweat. I looked around at all of Yuki's posters. They all seemed to be looking down at me, laughing at me. I closed my eyes to shut them out.

"Found it." I heard Yuki said and he ran back into the living room where I was lying, a first aid kit in his hand. "Let me see your arms.."

He took my arms, removed the bandages that were already wrapped around them, cleaned the blood away carefully, put butterfly bandages in a row down the slit (butterfly bandages are those that look like a nose strip that help you breath when you sleep, only the butterfly bandages aren't for your nose. They are used to hold wounds together so they can heal with minimum scarring.), and rewrapped them in white gauze bandages. When he was done he pushed the kit to the side and took me into his arms, cooing me and asking me if I was okay.

I shook my head. "I'm not okay...I'm not..."

He rocked me back and forth, stroking my hair. That action relaxed me immensly, but the dark feeling of worry, remorse, and dread didn't leave. I began to cry again.

"I want to see Hiro. I want to know he's okay." I said, my voice a whisper.

"You can see him when I take you to work." he said into my ear.

He did as he said he would and took me to work. We drove in silence. I was too afraid to open my mouth for bile was threateningly creeping up my throat, teasing to empty my stomach of every content it had. When we approached NG I saw no Hiro waiting outside of the building. I gave Yuki a small goodbye, and he kissed my lips lightly and told me to be careful and have a good day. Those words lightened my heart. No one had ever told me to have a good day before...

I began to get disappointed as I approached NG because no Hiro was in sight. At least, until I heard someone calling me from outside.

"Oi, Shuichi!"

I turned and saw Hiro waving at me from outside the building. It was Hiro. He was waving at me and motioning me to come outside with him. I stood and stared at him for what felt like the longest time. I was so happy that he was okay, that he was standing out there safe and sound. The only thing wrong was that he was missing his usual vibe. He seemed out of himself. He seemed frightened.

I ran out the doors once my feet found the ability to move again. I ran into him, clinging to him for dear life.

"Hiro, I am so glad you are okay!" I said into his chest.

"I told you that I was, Shu." he said lightly to me.

He removed my embrace from him and handed me some clothes.

"You had better go change. You don't want boss-man to see you wearing the same stuff as yesterday, right?"

I nodded, taking the clothes from him. I hadn't wanted to let him go. I wanted to hold him for a little bit longer, just so I knew that he was real. He walked me to the bathroom and stood outside the stall while I changed. He was nice enough to bring me a long sleeve shirt, even though the others that work with me thought it was nothing more than a fashion statement.

"How was your night with Yuki-san?" Hiro asked me.

"I spent the night worry about you, Hiro, so don't you ask me how my night was."

"No, I mean, before I called."

I blushed, remember the night before, when Yuki and I got a little aquainted. I could still feel his lips on mine. I had no intentions of telling Hiro anything of what happened, but my big mouth had to slip, just as it always did.

"I don't kiss and tell." I said, immediatly slapping my hand over my mouth for saying what I did.

"You kissed, again!"

"What do you mean 'again'?" I asked.

"Nothing."

"That was you the other day. I heard you go out the door and mutter 'Finally' as you left."

"Well..yep, that was me."

"Hiro, you are a dirty, cynical, spying bastard." I said with a laugh.

I felt better that I knew Hiro was okay, so I allowed myself to loosen up a bit.

"So, tell me, Shuichi, does he kiss good?" he asked me, a smirk on his face.

"I ain't telling you a thing." I said to him.

He bugged all the way to the studio room. I was beginning to get annoyed. I was starting to wonder if he was nothing more than a fanboy for gays. As soon as I walked into the studio room I felt the buzz of a bullet narrowly miss my arm.

"You are thirty seconds late." Mr. K, the gun-toting manager, said to me, gun still raised at me.

"Sorry, Mr. K." Hiro said, stepping in front of me. "It's all my fault. I was chatting with him and lost track of time. Don't be mad at Shuichi."

K lowered his gun and nodded, allowing Hiro's excuse. Sometimes, I wondered how Hiro could get away with so many things. I looked around for our producer, Sakano, and found him trying to hang himself from the ceiling, Suguru pursuading him to come down.

"Sakano-san, look they are here! See, there they are!" the sixteen year old said, pointing to Hiro and me.

Sakano looked and saw us, relief in his face. He let himself down from the noose on the ceiling and bowed to us.

"I thought you would never show up."

"It was only thirty seconds." Hiro said, his eyebrow raised.

"Thirty seconds of TORTURE! Just what would Boss say to this?"

By 'Boss' I guessed he meant Seguchi.

"Well," K said, taking out a damp cloth and wiped his gun, "might as well get to work. You have a song you have to do, yes?"

---

We got the music for a song together by lunchtime. We were going to spend the next few hours after lunch break with me singing the lyrics and Suguru mixing the music to match with my vocals. I was actually enjoying the day. Things had went smoothly, I was writing new lyrics, and everyone seemed to be in a cheerful mood.

"Tell me, Hiro, how do these sound." I said, looking at the piece of paper I had in front of me. I read him off what I had:

_Toumei ga yozora somete hitori aruku itsumo no kaerimichi_

_Kuchizusamu konna kimochi nemuru kimi ni todoketai na OH... UM..._

_Nanika ni obieteru jibun ga chotto iya ni naru tsugeru omoi torinokoshita hibi ni... dokoka ni wasureteru kokoro ga chotto itakunaru toki wo tsunagu hoshi no yoru ni kimi wo sagashiteru_

_Toozakaru kumo ni nosete_

"That's pretty good, Shuichi." Hiro said. "Do you have a name for it, yet?"

"Well, yeah, I do, even though I'm not finished with the song."

"That's okay. What's it called?"

"Anti-Nostalgic."

He thought about it for a moment.

"Good name." he said. "Slow song?"

"Yeah."

The lyrics I had written were from the bottom of my heart. I meant every word that I put down on that piece of paper. I wanted this song to be taken seriously, because it was reflecting what I thought about my emotions. We finished up lunch and got back to work. We had a whole song done just in time to go home. We called it Seven Days. It was an upbeat, not really what I was used to, but it was the lyrics that were catching. The lyrics were all I cared about really.

_Let me Go! Seven days yuuutsu ni karamatte Let me Go! Seven days te mo ashi mo denai Let me Go! Seven days shikkuri karamawari Let me Go! Seven days akumu no seven days_

_shinpai nai nayamu koto nai DANDEII ga sakadachi shiteru konya koso KIMERU shika nai ze MEMORII shoumetsu yume no ato_

_hajimaru seven days nozokeba mou saikou!_

_Let me Go! Seven days jikkuri nekasenai de Let me Go! Seven days otsukare taiyou Let me Go! Seven days sorosoro arijigoku Let me Go! Seven days yuuutsu na seven days_

_kankei nai kawari baenai hito konmi ni kakurete mitai saitei de kanari saiaku days OMAE mujyou no BERU ga naru_

_TEREBI wa OURU NAITO SHOU iroke de so rya saikou!!_

_Let me Go! Seven days mada mada owaranai Let me Go! Seven days akuma no hi mekuri Let me Go! Seven days kami-sama kakumatte Let me Go! Seven days akuma de seven days Let me Go! Seven days_

_hajimaru seven days nozokeba mou saikou!_

_Let me Go! Seven days yuuutsu ni karamatte Let me Go! Seven days te mo ashi mo denai Let me Go! Seven days shikkuri karamawari Let me Go! Seven days akumu no seven days_

_Let me Go! Seven days jikkuri nekasenai de Let me Go! Seven days otsukare taiyou Let me Go! Seven days sorosoro arijigoku Let me Go! Seven days yuuutsu na seven days_

_Let me Go! Seven days _

"That's a wrap, boys, I think this is good enough to send into Boss tonight." Sakano said clapping his hands.

"Great job, Shuichi." Hiro said patting my back.

I smiled at him. I was beginning to think that maybe my singing was worthwhile. Seeing Hiro, Sakano-san, Mr. K, and even that green-haired brat smiling at me made me realize that maybe I did have a voice, maybe I was good at singing.

"HIYA, na no da!"

We all turned to the door to see Ryuichi with his head poked inside, his bunny on his head.

"How's the second day of work, Bad Luck?" he asked with a smile.

"Just great, Ryuichi-kun. We already have a song ready to turn into Boss." Sakano informed, showing him the tape he recorded the song on.

"That's great!" Ryuichi said with a big grin. "We aren't even done writing our lyrics."

"Really?" K asked. "With Seguchi-san in your band, you aren't done with lyrics, yet? That's a shocker."

"What? Boss is in a band with Ryuichi-kun?!"

Ryuichi nodded.

"Yep! He, our good friend Noriko, and I form Nittle Grasper!"

I felt like I would pass out. Not only was Seguchi the head of NG but he was also running and producing a band. It seemed like too much to bear. I didn't know how he handled it.

"Well, it's the end of the day, and I want to go home." Ryuichi said. He waved to us. "I will see you all at another time. Congratulations on your song being done already."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hiro and I walked home. I listened while Hiro rambled on about the music to Anti-Nostalgic. I wasn't really listening, more like pretending to. I was actually thinking about Yuki and how his appointment with the publishing company went. Hiro must have sensed that wasn't listening because he stopped talking and put his arm around my shoulder.

"He, chin up, man." he said.

I looked at him with a small smile. Hiro was just too good. He was always there for me, no matter the situation, he took care of me, and didn't treat me any differently than he would any other person. How he did it, I didn't know. I knew that it had to be a lot of strain on him to deal with me. It was a strain to deal with myself. So, it had to be an overload to him. He took care of everything. I always gave him my paycheck, because he always handled the financial stuff. He paid the bills, bought our groceries, and did most of our shopping. Whatever extra money we had he would set aside so we could use it to go out and do stuff like go to a concert or have a blow out and buy tons of beer and cartoon movies. He always knew the right way to handle to things, and with him we never suffered anything. There was always food on the table and a little extra money to spend. Without Hiro, I would be nothing. I couldn't take care of myself well enough without him. I would be nothing.

I thought about Yuki and how important he was to me. I liked Yuki, romantically liked, but he didn't compare to Hiro. Hiro took care of me all of our lives and not a soul could replace him. Yuki could get away with many things because he made me feel lightheaded and have butterflies in my stomach, but he still couldn't do the things that Hiro could do. He couldn't make me laugh the way Hiro did, he could make me want to live a day longer the way Hiro did. I loved Hiro as if he were my father. I looked up to him as if he were my savior. Yuki was my angel, Hiro was my protector. Yuki was my healer, Hiro was my cure, Yuki was my heart, Hiro was my life.

It has always been Shuichi and Hiro, and I didn't want it any other way.

As soon as we got to the apartment I went to my room and collapsed on my bed. I was tired. I didn't sleep well the night before because I was worrying about Hiro so much, and my mind was moving around so fast that I felt like I was running a marathon. Hiro sat at the end of the bed and watched me for a few minutes. I looked up at him and admired him. He seemed godly to me. To me, he could move mountains. He was what God blessed me with.

"What?" he asked when he noticed me staring at him.

"Hiro..." I said sitting up and leaning into him, he taking me into an embrace. "I don't know what I would do without you. You're the best."

"What brought this up, huh?" he asked me.

"Because, last night I thought I had lost you, for real." I said sadly.

"You can't control stuff like death, Shu." he said to me slowly, me taking in every word. "But, if something were to happen to me, you should know that I died thinking of you and I passed trying to protect you. Remember that."

"Hiro, stop it, you make it sound like you are really going to die."

He let out a small, forced laugh. "Don't worry, Shuichi. I won't ever leave you alone. I'll always take you somewhere safe. Tell me, Shuichi, is there somewhere or someone that you feel safe with?"

I closed my eyes. "Yes."

"Who is it?"

I was silent for a long time. It felt sacred to keep his name to myself. The one I felt the safest with when Hiro wasn't around was Yuki.

"Yuki." I whispered.

Hiro smiled. "Thought you might say him."

"I like him, Hiro. I like him a lot."

"I know, Shuichi. I'm happy for you."

"He's so nice to me. He likes to tease me, too. He makes me feel...good. You know, that feeling that I haven't had for such a long time..."

"Love?" Hiro asked me.

"Yeah..."

"Well, isn't that just the sweetest conversation I have ever heard." a voice, a most unwelcoming voice, rang throughout my room.

Hiro's face paled. He clung to me tighter. I began to shake. It was Ryo. He stepped into the light of my room, a disgusting smile spread across his sickeningly, good looking face. He eyes burned with lust and power. I felt myself sink lower and lower. Hiro took a deep breath and looked straight into Ryo's face, his lips thinned in anger.

"I kind of thought you would think that I wouldn't come back after last night and you would bring Shu-chan back here. Pathetic. I thought you were smarter than that."

Hiro narrowed his eyes. "I thought I told you to not come back, to leave Shuichi alone."

"Ah, but only came so I reclaim what is rightfully mine."

"You dumped him. Don't you dare come back and say you have to reclaim him. He doesn't belong to you."

Ryo sneered at Hiro. He walked to him and leaned down, his face dangerously close to Hiro's.

"You jealous?" Ryo asked.

"Jealous of you? Hell, no." Hiro said slowly and clearly.

I clung to him tighter. The power in Ryo's voice scared me. He was set, he was going after what he wanted. And, what he wanted was me. He was going to fight until he got me. I knew, I had to give in or he was going to hurt Hiro. I tried to push myself off of Hiro, but he held tight, refusing to let me go.

"Shuichi is NOT going back to the life you made him live, you sick bastard!" Hiro said angrily, standing to his feet, taking me with him. "Shuichi deserves better than to have to live a life fearing you. You won't lay another finger on him."

"You are being awful brave, Hiro-san." Ryo said menacingly. "You are completely ignoring what I told you yesterday. Remember? I told you that if you dare stand me up and keep me from getting Shuichi, you might as well kiss your ass goodbye. I would kill you."

I knew Ryo. He was being truthful when he said that he would kill Hiro. I began to shake and cry. I had lost my voice so I looked up at Hiro, my eyes begging him to let me give in. I refused to have Ryo hurt Hiro.

"I don't care if you threaten me, Ryo. I won't let you have Shuichi."

Hiro's voice was low, angry, and clear at telling Ryo he had better back off. But, Ryo didn't give in. He back up slightly, laughing evilly.

"Can you really say you won't let me have Shuichi if you are dead?"

Hiro's face was white as a ghost, but he didn't give in. He just clung to me tighter. I once again looked up and him with pleading eyes but he refused to look at me. He stared straight at Ryo, who pulled out a gun.

"Hiro, please!" I yelled, finding my voice. "Don't shoot him! Please, please don't shoot him!"

"He refused to follow what I ordered. He got in way, and I am taking him out."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!"

BANG

Hiro fell to the ground in a crumpled heap, me still in his arms. I lifted out of his limp grip and stared him in his blood spotted face. His wound was in his chest, right where his heart should be. He looked at me weakly, and a sob escaped my lips. He was smiling...

"Shu, go find Yuki..." he said to me weakly. "Let him take care of you..."

"Hiro! No! No! No! Don't leave me, Hiro!"

"I had to protect you, Shu..."

"You still can! Don't leave me! Please! Hiro! Hiro!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Be happy..."

"Hiro.."

"Promise me you will live..."

"Hiro..."

"Promise me..."

"I...I promise..."

The light in his eyes faded as he closed his eyes, his head falling limply to the side. I felt my heart shatter. I screamed as loud as I could, calling to him, begging him to wake up. But, he didn't wake up. He wouldn't wake up. My Hiro was gone forever. I felt myself sink into a dark hole, into a cold world with my Hiro. I laid my head on his chest and sobbed. I felt something grab the back of my shirt and pull me to my feet. I was turned to find Ryo in my face.

My eyes widened in fear. He was smiling like a maniac.

"I got you back now, Shu-chan, you can't runaway this time. There is no way out, no one here to protect you."

He slammed against the wall, the memories of that day three years ago swimming across my scrambled mind. I was reliving that day, only there wouldn't be an ending with Hiro coming to my rescue.

"Think again!"

A fist swung and hit Ryo square in the jaw. Ryo stumbled backwards, clutching his face in pain.

"Who the hell.." he said, looking around to see who the culprit was.

It was Yuki. He stood next to Ryo, his face furious.

"You bastard!" he yelled.

Ryo stepped backwards in fear. Yuki's power seemed to overtake Ryo's. I sunk to the floor and crawled over to Hiro, letting my angel rid off the devil.

"Get out!" Yuki said angrily, lowering his voice to a furious whisper. "Don't you ever think about coming anywhere near Shuichi again!"

Ryo narrowed his eyes. "I don't trust you."

"You're right, you shouldn't. The cops are waiting for you outside the door."

Just as Yuki said that two cops came in and shoved him to the ground, telling him his rights. He looked furiously at me and Yuki.

"You'll pay for this." he said angrily.

"Not where are you are going." one the cops said handcuffing him and dragging him out of the room.

Yuki turned to me when they were gone. "Are you okay, Shuichi. Is Hiro..."

"He's dead! Hiro's dead!"

Yuki's face paled and sunk. "Oh, Shuichi, I'm so sorry..."

I clung to Hiro's dead body, sobbing loudly, still calling to him to wake up.

"Hiro, don't leave me, please!"

The cops came back in with a couple of paramedics. Yuki took my arms and tried to pry me from Hiro.

"No! No! No!" I cried, struggling to get free of his grasp.

"Shuichi, calm down, we have to let the doctors take him. We have to..."

I let my body fall limp and cried to Yuki's chest. I couldn't believe it. Hiro was gone. Hiro was dead. My protector, my cure, my life was gone. The paramedics covered him with a blanket and the cops were writing on notebooks. One approached me to interrogate me. I told him the whole story, of how Ryo raped me, how he hunted me down, and how he killed the best thing in my life, how he killed a part of me.

I felt hollow as Yuki drove me to his apartment. He told me that I was going to live with him. He gathered all of my stuff and loaded it in his car and we went to his apartment in silence. I was empty, I was numb, I was in shock, disbelief, and in a stupor. I didn't want to face reality, because I knew a reality without Hiro was a dark and dangerous one. It was just something that I didn't want to face.

The news spread around quickly because Sakano, Seguchi, Mr. K, and Suguru came by to check up and pay me their sympathies. My old boss from Hot Topic came. Hiro's old boss came. People who were Hiro's mutual friends from work came. But, to me it felt like nothing. Nothing mattered anymore. The only thing I felt was Yuki's arms around me and his words of comfort in my ear. Everything else inside of me was dead.


	9. Chapter 9

**(A/N): This is the final chapter. Doesn't seem like it lead up to much, I'm sorry. :( I hope you all enjoy this last chapter. Ja ne! **

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

_Italicized words are songs._

**Chapter 9:**

Hiro's death was a breaking point in my life. At his funeral I broke down and didn't stop crying. I made a complete fool of myself, screaming and begging his dead body to wake up. Everyone looked at my with so much sympathy that it made my stomach churn. I didn't want that sympathy. It wouldn't bring Hiro back, so what did I care about it.

If it wasn't for Yuki and the promise I made to Hiro, I would have ended my life as I stood. Everything seemed empty without Hiro. I had nothing left inside. I was nothing but a hollow shell that was cracking and decaying, and it desperatly needed replacing. I was angry with Hiro for making me promise to live. I knew he made me promise for my own good, but I also knew he did it because he knew I couldn't say no to him. I didn't even cut myself, anymore. And, the more I thought about it, the more I realized just how much Hiro wanted me to be with Yuki. When he would smirk at me whenever I went off somewhere with Yuki, the way he yelled at us when he wanted us to kiss... He knew that Yuki could save me. He knew that Yuki would take me away from the darkness.

_I miss you, miss you so bad_

_I don't forget you_

_Oh, it's so sad_

_Oh, I hope you can hear me_

_I remember it clearly_

_The day you slipped away was the day I found it won't be the same_

_Oh_

_I didn't get around to kiss you goodbye on the hand_

_I wish that I could see you again_

_I know that I can't_

_Oh, I hope you can hear me_

_Because, I remember it clearly_

_The day you slipped away was the day I found it won't be the same_

_I had my wake up_

_Won't you wake up _

_I keep asking why_

_And I can't take it _

_It wasn't fake it_

_Happened, you passed by_

_Now you're gone, now you're gone_

_There you go, there you go_

_Somewhere I can't bring you back_

_Now you're gone, now you're gone_

_There you go, There you go_

_Somewhere you're not coming back_

_The day you slipped away was the day I found it won't be the same_

_Oh_

_I miss you_

For a while I would sit and reminise on the many memories Hiro and I shared. It only made me miss him more, but it gave me a sense of closer, that I knew that even though he wasn't with me anymore, there would always be the memories I had.

Seguchi came to talk to me one day. He made me realize something...

"Shindou-san, I don't know how much help I will be, but I wanted to send you my complete sympathies."

At that point, I was tired of the sympathies and the I'm sorries, because they didn't make things any better. They only tore at my heart more and more. So, it didn't even send me into a guilt trip with I yelled at Seguchi. I was so numb, I just didn't want to hear it anymore.

"Stop telling me that you are sorry! Sorry does nothing! Sorry won't bring Hiro back! I am tired of everyone's sympathy! All I want is Hiro!"

Seguchi's facial expression sent shock waves through my body. He smiled, and not the creepy smile he usually did, but a sincere, sad smile. He sat beside me on Yuki's couch, his gaze to the floor.

"You know, Shindou-san, I understand how you feel. You may not realize that, but I do."

I just sat and listened, wondering whether to believe it or not.

"I lost someone close to me, as well." he said to me, his eyes never leaving the floor. "My father to be exact. I was fifteen years old. A boy at that age depends on their father. I thought I couldn't ever move on in life without him. But, you know what..."

He looked up at me, his lips in a straight, thin line, his eyes set and serious.

"It felt hopeless then, but then I realized that it wasn't the kind of life my father wanted me to live. He wanted me to be happy and prosper in life. He wanted to be successful in whatever I did. And, just look at me now, Shindou-san. I run a music business, I produce a band, I have a wonderful wife, and I couldn't be happier. All because I knew that's how father wanted it to be. Nakano-san wouldn't want you to go on like this, begging for him to come back. He would want you to live life like he was still there beside you. He is still with you in your heart, Shindou-san, and he always will. Let that love be your motivation. Let Yuki be your motivation, because that was what Nakano-san truly wanted."

I marvelled at the words that escaped his lips. Truth rang through them like the sweet, bell sound of Notre Dame. Suguchi made me realize what Hiro was aiming for. It would hurt for a while, but Hiro wanted nothing more than for me to be happy.

It was that day that I made a silent promise to Hiro's ghost. I vowed I would live the way Hiro had always hoped I would, that I would work to break through my depression, break through the emptiness, and do it all in his memory. But, I was still weak. I knew that. But, I had a solution to that. Yuki.

When I looked at Yuki I saw light all around him. Hiro wanted me to be healed through Yuki. Yuki grew wings in my eyes, he became perfection more and more to the point where my eyes would brim with tears staring in awe of him. I fell in love with him more each and every passing day.

Over a year, I had improved drastically. Depression was less and less frequent, and I was transformed into something I never thought I would be...a happy, bouncy brat. I was still the lead singer of Bad Luck. I also became the new guitarist. I got lessons for the same man that Hiro used to work with. He taught me all the tricks that he taught Hiro. I was a quick learner, and soon I was playing for Bad Luck. Our song Seven Days, the one that Hiro wrote, our very first single, became our best seller, and soon enough be were on top of list... Well, honestly, we were in a battle of dominance with Nittle Grasper. The brat synther in the band, Suguru, turned out to be a pretty okay kid. And, I became fast friends with Ryuichi, seeing as our personalities weren't so different after I broke through all of my depression. Everything was great.

It only got better one fair day...

Yuki's novel he wrote and turned into the publishing company was greatly loved by all who worked there. It was soon released and became a best seller. So, Yuki found his full time job being a novelist. He worked all of the time, but still found time to relax with me. One day, when I came home from work, he wasn't there. I searched around the whole apartment and found no Yuki. I started to freak out when I found a note on the coffee table.

**Shuichi, **

**I've gone out for a while. I won't be long, I promise. There is some leftover Chinese food from last night in the refrigerator. **

_**Love,**_

_**Yuki**_

I smiled to myself, put the note down, and went into the kitchen to get the Chinese.

He returned home within an hour and looked utterly exhausted, but accomplished. I raised an eyebrow at the accomplished look on his face.

"Hey, where'd you go off to?"

He looked at me, his cheeks flustered.

"Ah, you know, just..out."

"Mhm." I said sarcastically.

We sat on the couch and watched television for a while before he turned to me and took my hands in his.

"Shuichi, I have been thinking about this for a while now, and well...I..."

"You what, Yuki?" I felt my heart pound.

"Shuichi...will you marry me?"

My heart stopped completely.

"R-really?!"

He nodded sheepishly. I squealed and jumped in his lap and showered him with kisses.

"Of course, I will, Yuki!"

He took my hand, and out of his pocket he pulled out an elegant, golden band. To me, it was worth more than diamonds.

We spent a while making out of the couch. I, after a while of thinking, knew what I had wanted then. Before, I would have held myself back and refused because I was afraid, that I didn't want to be in a situation like that again. But, I knew Yuki wouldn't hurt me. He was going to soon be my husband, so I only thought it right that we take it a step furthur...

I was extremely shy when I asked him..well, more like _implied _it, but he didn't laugh in my face or anything like that.

"Yuki...I, um, have been thinking myself, and um...well, since were are engaged and everything...I...erm...thought that maybe..._you know_..."

He stared at me for a short moment as if trying to figure out what I was saying. When it dawned on him he didn't look at me in disgust or push me away.

"Are you sure?"

I nodded so shyly. It was a change for me, considering I have _never_ been shy. He just took me bridal style and carried me to the bedroom, and this time, I wasn't only just passive.

**(A/N): Ah, see there, happy ending to the very unhappy story! Aha! Shuichi got out of his slump. YAY! haha. I know that this wasn't much of a fanfiction, but I tried. I hope you all liked it. Please review!**


	10. Chapter 10: Epilogue

**(A/N): I had to come and do an epilogue. I was hit with sudden inspiration... Yes, inspiration rocks. And, I just had to do this. It just seemed like a fitting ending to a dark story. **

**Shuichi and Yuki go back to the apartment Hiro and Shu once shared together. They were going to pack everything up and take it back to Yuki's place. Upon packing up Hiro's things (just so you know, this took Shuichi a lot of courage and strength to do this...and, if anyone is wondering, all of Hiro's stuff had been sitting in that apartment for a year. Shuichi still paid the rent and stuff, because he couldn't cope with giving the place up), Shuichi stumbled upon what looked to be like Hiro's journal, which, turns out, was just one of many. There was only one entry in the one Shuichi found. So, basically, Hiro didn't use the whole notebook that he put that entry in. Why? Because he just started it before he died. This is all I am going to tell you, because...well, you have to read the rest to find out. This is Hiro's journal entry. **

Epilogue:

_Step one, you say we need to talk_

_He walks, you say sit down, it's just a talk_

_He smiles politely back at you _

_You stare politely right on through_

_Some sort of window to the right_

_As he goes left and you stay right_

_Between the lines of fear and blame_

_You begin to wonder why you came_

_Where did I go wrong?_

_I lost a friend somewhere along in the bitterness _

_And, I would have stayed up with you all night_

_Had I known how to save a life_

_Let him know that you know best_

_'Cause, after all, you do know best_

_Try to step past his defense _

_Without granting innocence_

_Lay down a list of what is wrong_

_The things you told him all along_

_Pray to God he hears you_

_Pray to God he hears you_

_Where did I go wrong?_

_I lost a friend_

_Somewhere along in the bitterness _

_And, I would have stayed up with you all night_

_Had I know how to save a life_

_As he begins to raise his voice_

_You lower yours and grant him one last choice_

_Drive until you lose the road_

_Or, break with the ones you followed_

_He will do one of two things_

_He will admit to everything_

_Or, he'll say he's just not the same_

_And, you'll begin to wonder why you came_

_Where did I go wrong?_

_I lost a friend_

_Somewhere along in the bitterness _

_And, I would have stayed up with you all night_

_Had I know how to save a life_

_It's been so long now. I don't know what to do anymore. Shuichi hasn't gotten any better. We moved away from Kyoto three years ago to escape the past, but the past seems to always follow him. I wish there was just something I could do to help him. He asked me not too long ago if God hated him. Of course, I said that God didn't hate him. God doesn't hate anyone. Then, he looked at me all strange and asked if it was wrong to hate himself. I didn't want to tell him it was wrong because I knew he would feel guilty, but I most certainly wasn't going to tell him that it was okay to hate himself. Who knows what he would have done if I told him that?..._

_I just don't know what to do anymore. It's all I can do to stay with him. He depends on me. He clings to me like a life support, and I just want to be able to make him better. I thought when he met Yuki-san that things would get better. And, they did. They really did. I always knew, since the day Shuichi told me Yuki-san asked him to meet up with him that Saturday to go see the city that he would be the one that would heal Shuichi. I knew for a long time that I couldn't heal Shu. But, I could be there for him. I made that promise to myself. I won't leave him, not for anything. Even if I die before he does, my spirit will always be there to help him. _

_Yuki-san was a huge help. Shuichi seemd to brighten up after meeting him and getting involved with him. But, then, that stupid Ryo had to show up after a three year silence. That man burns me inside and out. He's the whole reason Shuichi went on a downward spiral. Sure, Shuichi would have his depression moments, but after Ryo...it was a constant thing. He thought he loved Ryo and he thought Ryo loved him. But, that was completely shattered. And, I could never forgive Ryo for it. I won't let him get Shuichi again.._

_I just want Shuichi to get better. That's all I would ever ask. I want the old Shuichi back... I don't want him to keep feeling like he has no place in life. So what if his parents abandoned him, so what if my grandmother beat him and I, so what if his parents shot us, so what if Ryo shattered every ounce of liveliness inside of him, so what if my parents died... All of that doesn't matter anymore. All that matters is that Shuichi gets his life back in order. Maybe Yuki-san could do that. He could do it better than anyone else could. Maybe he could fill that void in Shuichi that I never could._

_Well, I have to wrap this up. _

_Till next time, _

_Hirou_

Shuichi's eyes filled with tears as he read, Yuki reading it over his shoulder.

"What does the song mean?" Yuki asked, taking Shuichi in his arms.

"If I am reading right, he based the song off of a conversation we had a long time ago. I think it was around a year after we moved here. The 'how to save a life part' I don't really know. I guess, he thought he couldn't help save me from losing myself..."

"He really cared about you, Shuichi. You know that right?"

"Yeah..."

"He wanted you to be happy."

"Yeah..."

"So, don't linger on this, okay?"

"Okay... Yuki...I love you."

"I love you, too."

I took Hiro's lyrics to Suguru to let him read it. Soon, we made it into a song. It was quickly a best seller. The song was made in dedication to Nakano Hiroshi, and the dedication was even stated on the album.

That night, while I was watching Yuki fall to sleep I felt something cold on my cheek, and something whisper, "Thank you..." I looked around and saw nothing, but the voice sounded familiar. I shrugged it off, though I was still shook up. Falling into a deep sleep, I had a dream. A face appeared and it said the same two words: "Thank you..." I smiled as my eyes opened slowly, the image still in my head.

"Your welcome...Hiro..."

**(A/N): This is the end! If anyone is wondered about what Hiro's spirit was thanking Shuichi for, it was for recovering and becoming happy. And, partially because of the song. Shuichi finally found closure. Well, of course, I expect reviews. I want to know opinions about this... Was it good? Someone tell me if it was actually worth something. PLEASE REVIEW! **

**PS: I don't own Gravi. And, 'Hiro's song' was really How To Save A Life by The Fray.**


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